Monstor list of jokes »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« A Whale of a Story This really happended in Nov. 1970 Part 1. The Farside comes to life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. Tom Mahoney, #9, Coast Guard Sqn.1/Div.13 CatLo Lt Cmdr Allison O'Reilly First Officer Starbase 109 Lt Cmdr Simone de'Monier First Officer USS Saratoga "Don't talk back, just drive the car Shut your mouth, I know what you are Don't say nothing, keep your hands on the wheel Don't turn around, this is for real." -Peter Gabriel =========================================================================== Part 2. SON OF BLUBBER The Oregon Highway Division's 1970 attempt to blow up a beached whale lives on a quarter-century later. [This article first appeared in the July 1994 issue of the Oregon Department of Transportation employee newspaper, TranScript. It is reproduced here to help answer the many questions still being asked today by enterprising reporters and internet surfers nationwide.] "My insurance company is never going to believe this," said Springfield, Ore., businessman Walter Umenhofer as he surveyed the crushed remains of his big Buick. A 3-foot by 5-foot piece of foul-smelling, rotting whale blubber had moments before soared a quarter-mile through the air, arching gracefully over a crowd of spectators perched on the sand dunes overlooking the Pacific Ocean, only to totally crush the top of Umenhofer's car. That was the scene on the central Oregon coast nearly 25 years ago -- Thursday Nov. 12, 1970 -- a day that still lives in America's collective memory. That's the day the state Highway Division tried to blow up a beached whale south of Florence, Ore. But the plan went awry, creating one of the most interesting stories ever reported in newspapers, on radio and TV. It was even voted Oregon's best news wire service story of the year. And thanks to a pirated video and electronic bulletin boards, the story not only won't die -- it's taken on a life of its own. The flying blubber incident survives today as an Oregon legend, kept alive by a film-video of the event that has found its way to an east coast think-tank. Last spring, a vivid description of the whale blowup, titled The Farside Comes To Life In Oregon, appeared on subscriber electronic bulletin boards nationwide. Its author describes in detail his video copy of a TV film news report of the day by (Portland, Ore.) Channel 2's Paul Linnman. But the electronic bulletin board story left out one important detail -- the fact that the blubber blowup happened a quarter-century ago. To top it off, a columnist for the Daily News in Moscow-Pullman, (Idaho-Wash.), reprinted the electronic bulletin board article word-for-word, oblivious to the age of the story. "We started getting calls from curious reporters across the country right after the electronic bulletin board story appeared," said Ed Schoaps, public affairs coordinator for the Oregon Department of Transportation. "They thought the whale had washed ashore recently, and were hot on the trail of a governmental blubber flub-up. They were disappointed that the story has 25 years of dust on it." Schoaps has fielded calls from reporters and the just-plain- curious in Oregon, San Francisco, Washington, D.C., and Massachusetts. The Wall Street Journal. called, and Washington, D.C.-based Governing magazine covered the immortal legend of the beached whale in its June issue. And the phone keeps ringing. "I get regular calls about this story," Schoaps said. His phone has become the blubber hotline for ODOT, he added. "It's amazes me that people are still calling about this story after nearly 25 years." Here's what really happened in November 1970. Remember, we are not making this up. An 8-ton, 45-foot-long sperm whale, dead for some time, washed up on the Pacific Ocean beach south of Florence, Ore. At first it was a curiosity for local residents and visiting beachcombers. But the beached behemoth became a stinking mess as the foul smell of rotting whale wafted through the dunes. The state Highway Division was given the task of cleaning up the mess. But how? If buried, the carcass would soon be uncovered by the ocean tides. Officials at the Department of the Navy were consulted, and a plan was hatched to blast the blubber to smithereens using a half-ton of dynamite. What little was left would be eaten by seagulls. (Remember, we are not making this up.) Needless to say, it didn't go well. The blast pulverized only part of the whale, sending pieces soaring -- not toward the ocean, as planned, but toward people watching from the dunes. Luckily, although a car was crushed by a large piece of flying blubber, no onlookers were hurt, unless you count being covered by a rain of smaller particles of the foul-smelling flesh. That's when most onlookers left and the Highway Division crew buried the balance of the beached whale. "I can remember it vividly," said George Thornton, then assistant district engineer, who got the whale cleanup task by default. "I got designated because district engineer Dale Allen (now ODOT Region 4 manager in Bend, Ore.) and others took off hunting when this thing broke -- conveniently, I think," Thornton said, laughing. "To be fair, they had [already] planned on going [hunting], but this thing made them all the more anxious to go." "I said to my supervisors, usually when something happens like this, the person ends up getting promoted," Thornton added. "Sure enough, about six months later, I got promoted to Medford." Thornton retired from ODOT in 1990. Epilogue: When a pod of 41 sperm whales washed ashore in nearly the same location in 1979, State Parks officials burned and buried them. *For permission to reprint or otherwise reproduce this article write to: ODOT Public Affairs, 121 Transportation Building, Salem, OR 97310, or call (503) 986-3425.. ORAP0002 Transmitted by jtilton@sparkie.osl.state.or.us on Tue Feb 21 09:33:36 1995. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Part 3. Exploding Whale There's been a story floating around the net for years about a beached whale that was blown up (exploded, not inflated) for lack of a better way to be rid of it. Many people thought it was an urban legend. It wasn't. The popularity of the whale is primarily due to the Pulitzer Prize winning author Dave Barry, and an article he wrote about it several years ago titled Dead Whale Removal. Dave saw a videotape of this incident, taken by a local TV station. Wrote a column about it, and somebody unfamiliar with the copyright laws put that column on the Internet without attaching his name to it. The result is that for years now, people have been sending him his own column, often with notes saying, "You should write a column about this!" in which the Oregon State Highway Division, attempting to dispose of a large and aromatic dead whale that had washed up on the beach, decided to--why not?--blow it up with half a ton of dynamite. Dave Barry's Column The Farside comes to life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. Dave Barry The following web sites contain pictures and information of the now-famous incident. http://www.perp.com/whale/ Exploding Whale http://www.perp.com/whale/barry.html Dead Whale Removal http://www.perp.com/whale/video.html The Infamous Exploding Whale Video - Quicktime Movie (11.2 meg) http://www.hackstadt.com/features/whale/ The Exploding Whale http://www.snopes2.com/critters/disposal/whale.htm Thar She Blows! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Chicken crossing the road JEWISH ANSWERS TO: Why did the Chicken cross the road? Binyamin Netanyahu: To search for Peace with Security Shimon Peres: In the New Middle East, roads will be irrelevant and chickens will cross whenever they want. Menachem Begin: Chickens get killed crossing roads, and the world blames the Jews! Yasser Arafat: The Chicken crossing the road was a clear violation of the Oslo Accords and proves that the chicken is not serious about peace. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« H o u s e h o l d P r i n c i p l e s - Lamentations of the Father - by Ian Frazier Laws of Forbidden Places * Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. * Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. Laws When at Table * And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke. * Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. * When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away. * When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. * Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. * And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. * And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why. * Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass. Laws Pertaining to Dessert * For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. * But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. * But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. * And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert. On Screaming * Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. * Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to you nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die. Concerning Face and Hands * Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. * And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. * Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done. Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances * Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand. * Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape. Complaints and Lamentations * O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometime do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. * And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straight-away, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out. - Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know. * And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. * And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« How embarrassing I had spent an entire day working at my computer. My back hurt. My hair was a mess. I wore no make up. I had forgotten my earrings and couldn't even remember if I'd brushed my teeth. I decided to take a break and clean my kitchen. Great. No dishwasher powder. I grabbed my purse and my keys and headed to the commissary. My plan was to just zip in and get the diswasher powder and a couple of items we needed and get home. At least half of the people I know on Guam were at the commissary that day. Where are these people when I'm dressed in something nice, my hair does what I want it to, and I'm buying healthy food? They certainly aren't at the commissary! I came home, put the food and cleaning stuff away. I made dinner. I made another mess. One of my children was not feeling well so the living room looked like a sick room. I looked at my house and decided that the only thing that would improve the horrendous mess would be if I got a good night's sleep and cleaned it in the morning. Someone knocked at my door. Of course they did. It's a universal law that no one exciting, interesting, or entertaining ever knocks on your door when your house is clean. So of course my visitor was interesting, well-educated, talented, and needed to discuss somehting with me that was going to take more than a couple of seconds. I opened the door, made my apologies for the mess, and invited the guest in. If you have a baby your friends won't drop by with congratulations until you've had a sleepless night, and your baby is red-faced and filling his sleeper with something that you'd swear was toxic waste if you didn't know better. If you are showing off your pet, trust me it will embarrass you. I told my friend Eloyce I couldn't wait for her to see my hamster, "Chips". She looked in the cage and said, "He was probably a great pet, but right now he's dead". He was. Chips had been jogging on his little wheel and just dropped in his tracks. I wasn't so much grief-stricken at that moment as embarrassed. It was the precursor to having to having my son shout from the bathroom while we had guests, "I think I have worms". My embarrassing moments pale when compared to a story my mother recently sent: A woman went on a ski trip with a church group. At the top fo the run, she realixed that nature was calling and there was no way she could make it back to the lodge. She decided to duck into some underbrush. She hadn't counted on her skiis slipping out from under her sending her down the run half-dressed and screaming at the top of her lungs. At the bottom of the slope, she realized the slide through the ice and over rocks in bare skin had done some serious damage. She was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital. As she waited for the doctor, the paramedics brought in a man who was badly beaten. He had several broken bones with bruises and scrapes all over his body. Since the curtain was not completely closed between them, she spoke to him. "Looks like you took a really bad fall", she said. "I was doing just fine," he snarled. "I'm a good skier. I'd have been okay if I'd been concentrating on what I was doing." She, being a truly nice person, asked him what distracted him. "I was skiing without any problems", he related, "when this half-naked woman goes screaming past me. I was so busy watching her I ran right into a tree"! THE PACIFIC NAVIGATOR --- Viewpoint by Sasha Tomey (March 20, 1997) »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« How To Rob A Bank RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. 8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Light Bulb Jokes Thought you might enjoy this mailable version of the Internet lightbulb stuff..... How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? None. They don't make Pampers small enough. How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that the Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, but I can look it up for you. How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to change the bulb and four to cut a hole in the roof How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Six: one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? Eighteen...you got a problem with that? How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to assure us that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? 45: one to change the bulb and 44 to do the paperwork. How many generals does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001: one to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again How many municipal employees does it take to change a light bulb? Seven: two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who hires his brother for the work, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that it's the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs How many Pentagon Program Managers does it take to change a light bulb? Look, for only $687 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites to illuminate the whole planet How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts change only dark bulbs. How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? In earlier work, Weiner[1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Weiner, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>,"Re:YALBJ", 1986 How many nuclear engineers can change a light bulb? Seven: one to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Astronomers prefer the dark. How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework. How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but once she gets tenure, she doesn't change anymore. How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change. How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes 30 visits. How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try to sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? 101: one to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. How many Ayatollahs does it take to change a light bulb? None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? One hundred. One to screw it in and 99 others to say, "Ohhh, I can do that." How many rock 'n' rollers does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to change the bulb and four to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket. How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Nine: one to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling, "That should be ME up there!". How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better. How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb? "Why do we have to change it?" How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to screw it in almost all the way and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulders so that they could reach it. Then a major time paradox intervened and the entire room, light bulb, changer, and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though. How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, ...and one to change the bulb. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« ohhh.....women! "The Creatures" called Women, its not Wo prefixed to Men but much more.... If you're well dressed, she thinks you're a playboy, If you're not, she thinks you're rugged. If you kiss her, you're not a gentleman, If you don't, you're not a man. If you praise her, she thinks you're a liar, If you don't, you're good for nothing. If you agree with all her likes, she is abusing, If you dont, you're not understanding. If you make romance, you're an "experienced man", If you don't, you're a "half-half man". If you visit her often, she thinks you're boring, If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing. If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel,If she is visited by another, "Oh! It's natural, we're girls." If you're a minute late, she complains, "It's hard to wait.", If you come on time, for hours she makes you wait. If you propose love within a brief acquaintanceship, you're a fresh guy, If you postpone love later, she wonders why. If you fail to assist her in crossing a street, you lack ethic, If you do, she thinks it's one of man's tactics. If you're jealous, she says it's bad, If you're not, she doubts your love, and is not glad. If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you're bold and nothing, If you don't, she thinks you're cold and boring. If you attempt romance, she says you don't respect her, If you don't, she thinks you don't like her. If you listen, she wants you to talk, If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you contradict her, she does not like it, If you don't, she thinks you're gullible. "Oh!!! Women!!!" So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet so powerful. So confusing, BUT so desirable.*****? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Old Feller An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Technical writing quotes. Research Definitions The following phrases, frequently found in technical writings, are defined here for your edification and enlightenment. This list was plagiarized from some unknown genius who had evidently read one too many scientific papers. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN -" I haven't bothered to look up the original reference. "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS -" The experiment didn't work out, but I figured I could get publicity out of it. "EXTREMELY HIGH PURITY, SUPERPURITY" Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier. "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY" The results of the others didn't make any sense and were ignored. "ACCIDENTALLY STAINED DURING MOUNTING" Accidentally dropped on the floor. "HANDLED WITH EXTREME CARE DURING THE EXPERIMENTS" Not dropped on the floor. "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN" the best results are shown. "PRESUMABLY AT LONGER TIMES -" I didn't take time to find out. "THESE RESULTS WILL BE REPORTED AT A LATER DATE" I might get around to this sometime. "IT IS BELIEVED THAT -" I think. "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT -" A couple of other guys think so too. "IT MIGHT BE ARGUED THAT -" I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it. "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING -" I don't understand it. "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" Wrong. "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WORK WILL STIMULATE FURTHER WORK IN THE FIELD" This paper is not very good, but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject. "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE GLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO JOHN DOE FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS" Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant to me. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« ONLY IN THE U.S. LEGAL SYSTEM (Cigars) A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare very expensive cigars, insured them against... get this...FIRE !!, Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Sad news, There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in..... Well, you know the rest. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« TIME MANAGEMENT A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration I'm sure those students will never forget. After I share it with you, you'll never forget it either. As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he smiled and asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." The title of this letter is The "Big Rocks" of Life. What are the big rocks in your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. (And try not to sweat the small stuff). »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Definition of Windows95 Windows 95: A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand 1 bit of competition. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Brevity The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour or oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Marriage Success A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Don't Bite Off More Than You Can Chew It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! A Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any longer since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Haven't You Ever Wondered... 1. Why men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better? 2. How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word? 3. Why you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead? 4. Why they are called buildings when they're already finished? 5. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? 6. Why people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask what time it is? 7. Why you ask someone without a watch what time it is in the first place? 8. Why banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? 9. Why it is that you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? 10. Why the alphabet is in that order? 11. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? 12. Why a carrot is more orange than an orange? 13. If fish get cramps after eating? 14. Why there are 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 15. Why they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 16. Why scientists call it research when looking for something new? 17. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 18. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? 19. Why lemon juice is mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? 20. Why we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Most Beautiful Flower The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree. Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown, For the world was intent on dragging me down. And if that weren't enough to ruin my day, A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play. He stood right before me with his head tilted down And said with great excitement, "Look what I found!" In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight, With its petals all worn - not enough rain, or too little light. Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play, I faked a small smile and then shifted away. But instead of retreating he sat next to my side And placed the flower to his nose And declared with overacted surprise, "It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too. That's why I picked it; here, it's for you." The weed before me was dying or dead. Not vibrant of colors: orange, yellow or red. But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave. So I reached for the flower, and replied, "Just what I need." But instead of him placing the flower in my hand, He held it mid-air without reason or plan. It was then that I noticed for the very first time That weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind. I heard my voice quiver; tears shone in the sun As I thanked him for picking the very best one. You're welcome," he smiled, and then ran off to play, Unaware of the impact he'd had on my day. I sat there and wondered how he managed to see A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree. How did he know of my self-indulged plight? Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight. Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see The problem was not with the world; the problem was me. And for all of those times I myself had been blind, I vowed to see the beauty in life, And appreciate every second that's mine. And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose And smiled as I watched that young boy, Another weed in his hand, About to change the life of an unsuspecting old man. (Author Unknown) »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« It was at the Atlantic City Beauty Parade. Miss Texas slithered by in her form-fitting white bathing suit. Grosvenor Maitland, Princeton '49, found his heart beating faster and faster declared, "Joe, this is love at first sight!" "Don't be silly," counseled his friend Joe. "It's just a passing fanny." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Down in Arkansas in the old days there was a jerk-water railroad with a reputation. The reputation was that it never adhered to its schedule. Operating crews, and patrons as well, came to regard the time-card as the work of a practical joker. There was a certain traveling man who rode over the line at frequent intervals. One afternoon when he disembarked from a smelly day-coach at his destination he hailed the conductor. "Old man," he said, extending a large cigar, "accept this with my compliments as a slight token of gratitude." "What's the notion?" inquired the other. "Because I've been traveling on this road for twelve years and this is the first occasion when the train ever got in exactly on time." "Mister," said the conductor, "that looks to me like a mighty good cigar and I'm fond of smokin'. But I can't take nothin' on false pretenses. I've got to tell you the truth. "This ain't today's train. This is yistiddy's train." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« MERGER MANIA A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild. There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv. Others in the works: 3M & Goodyear = mmmGood John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine 3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera Grey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Another "law"... Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« On the evening of their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Margaret, the bride left the bathroom to find Harold, the bridegroom, praying. "So what are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Pie Maker A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse: Her son had some down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that, his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration, frayed her and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away." By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven. At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car...which was locked. Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car. She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!" The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that." The phone went dead. She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger, which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what to do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a t-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?" Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it. It was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open. When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian." He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless God!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« That Adam Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so the Lord asked Adam, "What is wrong?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. The Lord said he was going to give him a companion; it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a agreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost?" God replied "An arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib?" The rest is history. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« It's Not What You Eat That Counts... Spring is here, and many of us are fighting to shed those five pounds we picked up over th ewinter. Fortunately, there is a sensible way to avoid those excess calories that wreak havoc on the battle of the bulge. Simply follow these rules, which have been passed down by calorie counters through the generations. * Anything eaten in small increments has no calories. If someone in your officebrings in a box of cookies and you only nibble each time you pass by, you do not have to count those calories. * Anything eaten standing up or off someone else's plate does not count. * Gulps count, sips don't. * Whatever you purchase from a street vendor has fewer calories than the same item consumed at home. * The calories in hard candy or gum are to minuscule to bother with. Eat as much as you want. * Whatever you eat that was prepared by your child (no matter how old the child) does not have calories. * Neatness cancels calories. If you take an extra bit of cake to even off the slice, those calories do not exist. Ditto for evening off a pint of ice cream. * Anything you cook yourself has reduced calories because of the huge amount of energy you expended preparing it. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Tales From an Urban Cowboy Saturday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness............... ............the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Definitions worth sharing... 1. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 2. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where some women go to dye. 3. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 4. CHICKENS: Animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. 5. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 6. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 7. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 8. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. 9. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 10. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 11. MYTH: A female moth. 12. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all. 13. RAISIN: A Grape with a sunburn. 14. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 15. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 16. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 17. TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labor saving devices. 18. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. 19. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« These are the FACTS! Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed? Florida: [Pardon our English] Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A _ _ _ _-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank has put this engraved plaque on the wall....."Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a _ _ _ _-up!" Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Washington : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. New Jersey: A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. Michigan: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood. The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That was pretty much the end of learning for that day. I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance." A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it. He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years old." He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away. The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« No Fear One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 48 years." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« WHEN GRACE GETS UP TO BAT ! Bob was caught up in the spirit where he and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails. The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love. The next batter up was named Godly wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch; Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass, because Godly Wisdom does not swing at Satan's pitches. Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly wisdom never swings at Satan's throws. The bases were loaded. The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace. Bob said he sure did not look like much! Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder, the Prince of the air, let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run! The Lord's team won. The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Bob answered that he did not know why. The Lord explained, "If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My grace can get you home. My grace is the one thing Satan cannot stop." Praise God for His Infinite Grace! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Differrent Friends I don't believe in luck, but doing what this says will increase relationships. Friends... Around the corner I have a friend In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone And I never see my old friend's face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell, And he rang mine. If, we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men. Tired of playing a foolish game, Tired of trying to make a name. "Tomorrow" I say "I will call on Jim" "Just to show that I'm thinking of him." But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner!- yet miles away, "Here's a telegram sir-" "Jim died today." And that's what we get and deserve in the end. Around the corner, a vanished friend. If you love someone, tell them. Remember always to say what you mean. Never be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets. Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all about anyway. Pass this along to your friends. Let it make a difference in your day and theirs. The difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the regrets may stay around forever. Within 1 hour you must send it to other people. Within five days you will have a miraculous occurrence in your relationships. You will find new love or have an old love rekindled. If you do not send it, you will have once again passed up the opportunity to do something loving and beautiful and continue the trend that gives you problems in your relationships. If you've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't or that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? The more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have. And the better you'll get at reaching out to those you care about. Here's the deal: Forward this letter to at least 10 different people; within 1 hour of receiving it. Do it, and reap what you sow: luck in love, people who care for you, and that warm glowy feeling that comes from loving others. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Police Call "Patrolman Cassidy calling," came a voice from the hall, accompanied by a loud knocking on the door of Apartment 6-B. "What do you want?" a woman demanded from within. Her voice did not suggest rippling waters. "It's your husband," hollered the cop. "A big steam roller just ran over him." "Well, don't stand there talking," commanded the wife. "Slide him in under the door." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« 2 of each... Have you ever wondered why there are 2 "Alt", 2 "Ctrl" and 2 "Delete" keys? Keep :)ing »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Travel Anyone??? The sign in a Norwegian lounge reads: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR Tacked on the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE U.S.S.R., YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. An airline ticket office in Copenhagen reminds you: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. In a certain African hotel you may choose between: A ROOM WITH A VIEW ON THE SEA OR THE BACKSIDE OF THE COUNTRY A sign on a clothing store in Brussels read: COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT A hotel notice in Madrid informs: IF YOU WISH DISINFECTION ENACTED IN YOUR PRESENCE, PLEASE CRY OUT FOR THE CHAMBERMAID, This notice was posted on a Rumanian hotel elevator: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAYS. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. In the window of a Swedish furrier the message reads: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN. The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you: IF YOU WISH FOR BREAKFAST, LIFT THE TELEPHONE AND ASK FOR ROOM SERVICE. THIS WILL BE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR FOOD UP This sign was posted in a Scottish harbor: FOR SALE BOAT SINGLE OWNER GREEN IN COLOUR A sign at Budapest's zoo requests: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer: AS FOR THE TROUT SERVED YOU AT THE HOTEL MONOPOL, YOU WILL BE SINGING ITS PRAISE TO YOUR GRANDCHILDREN AS YOU LIE ON YOUR DEATHBED. A Seville tailor makes clear how he will handle commissions: ORDER NOW YOUR SUMMER SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION A dentist's doorway in Istanbul proclaims: AMERICAN DENTIST, 2TH FLOOR. TEETH EXTRACTED BY LATEST METHODISTS. The concierge in a Sorrento hotel lets guests know he's on the job: CONTACT THE CONCIERGE IMMEDIATELY FOR INFORMATIONS. PLEASE DON'T WAIT LAST MINUTES THEN IT WILL BE TOO LATE TO ARRANGE ANY INCONVENIENCES. Some German hospitals now display the sign: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED IN THE MATERNITY WARDS. A Roman medical doctor proclaims himself a : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES The sign at the concierge's desk in an Athen's hotel reads" IF YOU CONSIDER OUR HELP IMPOLITE, YOU SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER A sign in a Kowloon hotel warns: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS. PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE. Visitors in Czechoslovakia are invited by the tourist agency to: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. A Rome laundry suggests: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest reads: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE. A London eaterie advertised for help this way: WANTED: MAN TO WASH DISHES AND TWO WAITRESSES A notice in a Vienna hotel urges: IN CASE OF FIRE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Bob Hope, introducing a sally into literature called "Who Threw That Coconut" by his fellow-thespian Jerry Colonna, explains "There really are two sides to the Professor. One is the zany, sill moron. The other is the deep-thinking, serious moron. Jerry's really got a head on his shoulders - a triumph of plastic surgery." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Natural Proof When the weather gets unseasonably warm I deem the time suitable for reviving a story which I first heard at the Republican National Convention in Chicago in 1920. As may be recalled by those who attended that convention, the entire country from coast to coast sweltered through the week under a blanket of terrific heat. A delegate from California, in a half fluid state, fell off of a transcontinental train. A Chicago friend met him at the station. "Say, old man," said the friend when greetings had been exchanged, 'is it as hot out West as it is here on the lake?" "Is it as hot out West?" repeated the newly arrived one. "Say, don't make me laugh. You people here in the Corn Belt don't know what heat is. Listen, I'll illustrate to you just how hot it is on the other side of the Rockies. Coming across the Arizona desert day before yesterday I looked out of the car window and I saw a coyote chasing a jack rabbit - and they were both walking!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Top 13 Internet Euphemisms for Death 13. Clicked the bucket 12. www.he's-dead,-jim.com 11. Invested in Pointcast 10. Visiting the Chat Tomb 9. No longer able to view the web's hottest women 8. 7. Opened "GOOD TIMES!" 6. Transferred to WWW.HasBecome.Com/post 5. 404ever, Pulse Not Found 4. Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play 3. www.MyFirstCoronary.com 2. Assigned to the Hale Bopp Project 1. It Doesn't Matter Whether You've Got Mail »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Blundered Classifieds/Funny Newspaper Classifieds 1. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 5. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. 6. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children. 8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. 9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. 10. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. 11. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 12. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. 13. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 14. For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. 15. Man, honest. Will take anything. 16. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 17. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. 21. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,and smacks included. 22. Great Dames for sale. 23. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. 24. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. 25. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. 26. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 27. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Comprehending Engineers What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. ******************************* The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ******************************** Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, `"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, `"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'' ********************************* An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ********************************* An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Kid's view... One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« How to Brighten Your Day by Annoying Others! 1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper. 2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify over and over that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets in the break room. 5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, "to keep them tuned up." 6. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think." 7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and send copies to your boss under a co-worker's name. 8. Make beeping noises when you back up. 9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 10. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room during a meeting. 11. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 12. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others you "like it that way." 13. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 14. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register. 15. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles." 16. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 17. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 18. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 20. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others. 21. Sing along at the Opera. 22. Practice making fax and modem noises. 23. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". 24. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. 25. Honk and wave to strangers. 26. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 27. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 28. type only in lower case. 29. dont use any punctuation either 30. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now". 31. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 32. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up" and repeat. 33. Ask people what gender they are. 34. Tell your friends 4 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Anticipation You've heard a lot about farmer's beautiful daughters. But Squire Parsons was one farmer who had a beautiful wife. When she went home to visit her mother, all the sunshine went out of his life, and when she wired him to meet her at the station on the 4:28, he hitched up his bay stallion in a fever of anticipation. The stallion had been cooped up in his stall for days and was rarin' to go. He wheeled into the turnpike at fifty an hour, and began picking up form there. Squire Parsons tugged in vain at the reins, and hollered "whoa" until his lungs almost gave out. Finally, as they thundered over Bear Creek Bridge, he cried out, "Hey, you gol' durned fool! Who do you think got that telegram, you or me!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Pastor visit A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. [Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at he door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.] The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10". [Genesis 3:10: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.] »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« A passenger plane on a cross-country trip ran into a terrible storm. The plane was pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers were screaming. They were sure the plane was going to crash and they were all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumped up and exclaimed, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" She saw a hand raised in the back, and a muscular man started to walk up to her seat. As he approached her, he took off his shirt. She sawthe man's rock-hard muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. Hestood in front of her, shirt in hand, and said to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She nervously nodded her head yes. As the man handed her his shirt he said, "Here. Iron this." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Proper Remedy at Last Possibly inspired by the missionary work of Pussyfoot Johnson, a Scotch Minister undertook a temperance crusade among the members of his flock. He announced that on a certain Sabbath he would deliver a sermon upon the evils of strong drink, with physical illustrations to prove his argument. Upon the appointed morning a congregation which crowded the kirk greeted him.The dominie lost no time in making his demonstration. Upon the pulpit he placed two glasses; one containing whiskey and the other spring water. Then in an impressive silence he brought a small box from his coat pocket, opened the box and produced a long wriggling worm. First he dipped the worm in the tumbler of water where it coiled and twisted happily. Then he dropped it into the whiskey. Instantly the hapless creature shriveled, and after a few feeble contortions became limp and lifeless. Hauling forth the dead thing and holding it in plain view of all present the minister said: "Now then, my brethren, behold the effects of strong spirits upon this wee creature. In the water it took no harm; but the first contact with this foul stuff here instantly destroying it. Need I say or do more to convince you of the effects of whiskey?" From the body of the church there rose up a lantern-jawed person. "Meenister," he said, "might I ask where ye got the whusky in that tumbler?" "I'm glad you put that question," said the clergyman. "I purchased it at that den of iniquity, the public-house, which stands at the top of the street not a hundred yards from this place of worship." "Thank ye," said the parishioner. "I'll be goin' there on the morrow. I've been troubled with worms myself." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Doing the dishes... When men do the dishes, it's called helping. When women do the dishes, it's called life. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Domestic Quarrels The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a passion finally declared: "I'm going home to my mother!" The husband maintained his clam in the face of this calamity, and drew out his pocketbook. "Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your railroad fare." The wife took it, and counted it in turn. Then she faced her husband scornfully: "But that isn't enough for a return ticket." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Revised Version Of The Bible A Student's History of the World Collected by Richard Lederer (One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history professor is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or report. Here is the history of the world, pasted together from genuine student bloopers, collected by teachers throughout the U.S.) ----------------------------------------------------------- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple. A snake was present at the time. God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. They invented three kinds of columns - corinthian, ironic, and dorc. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. St.John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. One of the opossums was St.Matthew who was by profession a taximan. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. Then came the Middle Ages when King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived then with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women and Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the blue-bonnet plaque grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times people were alliterate. The greatest writer was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their life. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. Shakespeare was the greatest writer. In one of his plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. Then came the enlightenment. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and began reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers. Then came the first world war, which ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Domestic Quarrels The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, and then remarked: "John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his own wife is a-talkin' to him?" "Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off your mind." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Disicpline Jimmy found much to criticize in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother. "Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded. His mother nodded assent. "Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time 'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes in , you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he continued: "Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Bus problems... A woman, highly incensed, writes to the Chairman of the London Transit Authority, "Sir, your buses, usually empty, are passing long ques of irate, potential passangers; we know the drivers see us because they honk and wave as they pass." The Chairman wrote back, "Madam, how could we maintain our schedules if we stopped to pick up passengers?" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Immediate Loan Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I safely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Fugitive does 'dumbest thing:' applies for police job August 29, 1998 Web posted at: 10:06 p.m. EDT (0206 GMT) WEST HAVEN, Connecticut (AP) -- A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested when he applied to become a town police officer. Alexander Ocasio, 30, of Las Vegas, was arrested this week in Connecticut after the standard background check for applicants to the police force turned up his fugitive warrant. Police quickly called Ocasio in to get his fingerprints, saying it was part of the job application. When he showed up, they pulled out the warrant with his name on it. "I think it's hilarious," Matthew Dushoff, a Nevada deputy attorney general, said Thursday. "It's one of the dumbest things he could have done. We never would have found him otherwise, and he walked right into it." Ocasio is a former state corrections officer in Nevada and a one-time security officer at a Las Vegas casino. He had passed both the written and agility tests to become a police officer before he was caught, said Lt. Colleen Smullen. The Nevada charges involve allegations of fraudulently collecting unemployment benefits. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« A bit of research... Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA. He soon received a reply from the VA. "We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year." Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A. "Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803. a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase. b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800). c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain. d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles - almost as careful as the V.A. - took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage. e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world. f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title to that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Doctors A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom: "Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George." When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his note this line: "God save the King." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Universal Rx No moving parts, no batteries, No monthly payments and no fees; Inflation proof, non-taxable, In fact, it's quite relaxable; It can't be stolen, won't pollute, One size fits all, do not dilute. It uses little energy, But yields results enormously. Relieves your tension and your stress Invigorates your happiness; Combats depression, makes you beam, And elevates your self-esteem! Your circulation it corrects Without unpleasant side effects. It is, I think, the perfect drug: May I prescribe, my friends . . . the hug! (And, of course, fully returnable!) By Henry Matthew Ward from A Cup of Chicken Soup for the Soul Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen & Barry Spilchuk »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« It's in the Bible... When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed, at the bar. "What happened to you, Frank?" asked the preacher. "You used to be rich!" Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page, and there will be God's answer." Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes. "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned around for you." "Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer....Chapter 11." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Food For Thought, etc. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes? Santa is very jolly because he knows were all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Should crematoriums discount for burn victims? If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word "Lisp"? If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him.... is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide.... is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages? Would a wingless fly be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them? Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If a mime is arrested do they have the right to talk? Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines? Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-profit organization. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Top 25 Excuses For Getting Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle 1. I was just waiting for the mighty 386 computer you gave me to finish compiling the data on the work efficiency project. 2. It's okay...I'm still billing the client 3. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. 4. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 5. I was working smarter, not harder. 6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 7. I'm in the management training program 8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper 9. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people ! 10. Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend. 11. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! 12. I'm increasing everyone else's productivity by reducing my oxygen consumption. 13. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance 14. I was up all night tracking down hackers that were trying to break into our system. Luckily I was able to hold them off! 15. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga? 16. Testing my cubicles sleeping conditions satisfies ISO-9000 norms. 17. Quickly say "Amen" and explain that you were just praying for the wisdom to "work smarter, not harder" 18. Me, snoring? No, that was my floppy drive! 19. If I sleep in my cubicle, I can spend more time in the office because I don't have to sleep at home. 20. Statistics prove that people who take a short nap after lunch get more accomplished than people who don't. 21. I got wrapped up with my project last night and haven't gone home yet, I must have dozed off. 22. Recent developments in computer monitor design allow me to project information directly onto my eyelids. 23. I was just testing my eyelids for holes. So far I haven't found any, but I must keep looking! 24. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 25. Hypnotized by my screen saver. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« A Counter-Blast for the Acused I have a friend, a Catholic clergyman, who has strong views on the use of strong drink. In all his blameless and devoted life he has never known the taste of intoxicants, and he loses no opportunity to impress the benefits of sobriety upon persons who are addicted to the liquor habit. One night he was riding uptown on an elevated train after having delivered a sermon at a mission church in the lower part of Manhattan. At Thirty-fourth street a young man heavily under the influence of something fragrant and potent staggered into the car and lurched down into a seat alongside my friend. The good father was properly shocked. He turned a grieved face upon the inebriated one. "My son," he said, "I'm truly sorry to see you in this condition. Alcohol is a frightful curse to the human race and with all my heart I beg you to give it up. You'll be a better and happier man if you leave the accursed stuff alone." The stranger opened a bloodshot eye and glared balefully at the priest. "You've got a nerve," he said huskily, "to be talkin' to me about drinking, when you're so drunk yourself that you don't even know how to put your collar on the right way." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Thou shalt not... There were two preachers who were very good friends. One day, Rev. Fred asked Rev. Bob why he looked so glum. "My bicycle is gone," he replied, "and I think someone from my congregation stole it." "Well," replied Rev. Fred, "here's what you do. Next Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you come to the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' REALLY stress it, and the person who stole your bike should feel guilty enough to return it." So he did. And the next Monday, along came Rev. Bob on his bicycle. "Hey!" cried his friend, "I see that it worked!" "Well, kind of," said Rev. Bob, somewhat sheepishly. "No one batted an eye when I talked about stealing. But when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I suddenly remembered where I left my bicycle." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Hmmm??? Bob was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after his wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to him, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to Bob then got up and started to leave. When Bob asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« On The Table On the table side by side; the Holy Bible and the TV Guide, One is well worn but cherished with pride, (Not the Bible, but the TV Guide). One is used daily to help folks decide, No! It isn't the Bible; its the TV Guide. As pages are turned, what shall they see? Oh, what does it matter, turn on the TV. So they open the book in which they confide (No, not the Bible, its the TV Guide). The Word of God is seldom read, Maybe a verse before they fall into bed. Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be, Not from reading the Bible, but watching TV. So, then back to the table, side by side, Is the Holy Bible and the TV Guide. No time for prayer, no time for the Word; The plan of salvation is seldom heard. Forgiveness of sin so full and free Is found in the Bible, not on TV!! --- Anonymous »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Just thinking out loud Have you ever thought about your age?? Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm 4 and half." You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed??? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it. You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!! Age is a funny thing. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« From the Dr. Laura Web page - Great Reasons To Be A Guy 1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. You know stuff about tanks. 3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 4. You can open all your own jars. 5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. 6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. 8. You can leave the motel bed unmade. 9. You can kill your own food. 10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 11. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 15. Everything on your face stays its original color. 16. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 17. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 18. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. 19. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: 'He must be mad at me.' 21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 22. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental $75 bucks. 23. You don't mooch off other's desserts. 24. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 25. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. 'So, notice anything different?" 27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 28. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 29. You almost never have strap problems in public. 30. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 32. You don't have to shave below your neck. 33. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. 34. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 35. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 36. You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife. 37. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 38. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« What God Won't Ask 1. God won't ask what kind of fancy car you drove. He will ask how many people you took to church who didn't have transportation. 2. God won't ask the square footage of your house. He will ask how many people you helped who didn't have a house. 3. God won't ask how many fancy clothes you had in your closet. He will ask how many of those clothes you gave away to the Salvation Army. 4. God won't ask what social class you were in. He will ask what kind of "class" you displayed. 5. God won't ask how many material possessions you had. He will ask whether those material possessions dictated your life. 6. God won't ask what your highest salary was. He will ask if you trampled over any people to obtain that salary. 7. God won't ask how much overtime you worked. He will ask did you work overtime for your family. 8. God won't ask how many promotions you received. He will ask what you did to promote others. 9. God won't ask what your job title was. He will ask did you perform your job to the best of your ability. 10. God won't ask how many promotions you took to chase a dollar bill. He will ask how many promotions you refused to advance your family's quality of life. 11. God won't ask how many times you didn't run around on your spouse. He will ask how many times you did. 12. God won't ask how many degrees you had. He will ask how many people you thanked for helping you get those degrees. 13. God won't ask what your parents did to help you. He will ask what you did to help your parents. 14. God won't ask what you did to help yourself. He will ask what you did to help others. 15. God won't ask how many friends you had. He will ask how many people you were a friend to. 16. God won't ask what you did to protect your rights. He will ask what you did to protect the right of others. 17. God won't ask what neighborhood you lived in. He will ask what other neighborhoods you visited. 18. God won't ask how man times you told the truth. He will ask how many imes you told a lie. 19. God won't ask about the color of your skin. He will ask about the color of your heart. 20. God won't ask how many times your deeds matched your words. He will ask how many times they didn't. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« BEST PART OF WAKING UP! A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Beware Of Dog... Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Brain Cells A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Email Facts Of Life 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true. 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin. 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. 4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb. 5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter? 6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try: http://www.norton.com . And even then, don't forward it. We don't care. 7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell. 8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway. 9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times, I've probably already seen it. 10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Quotes Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." So what's the speed of dark? How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexualharassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Spider Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering ? A. The spider -- It has its own website. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Wagon ride My children were pretending to be preparing for a long trip in a covered wagon. They loaded in bags of salt, beans, seeds, nails, and other necessities for survival. After the last blanket and tool were in place they settled into their seats on the front of the wagon and said their good-byes. As they pretended to get the horses moving, my 8 yr.-old daughter called back over her shoulder, "We'll send an e-mail when we get there!" - Lin Vickery »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Substitute Organist The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Sunbathing Nude On The Top Of A Hotel A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!" "What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« MY KIND OF EXERCISE PLAN Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Exercise..............................Calories burned per hour Beating around the bush............................75 Jumping to conclusions...........................100 Climbing the walls....................................150 Swallowing your pride................................50 Passing the buck........................................25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight).....................50-300 Dragging your heels.................................100 Pushing your luck......................................250 Making Mountains out of molehills..........500 Hitting the nail on the head.........................50 Wading through paperwork......................300 Bending over backwards............................75 Jumping on the bandwagon......................200 Balancing the books...................................25 Running around in circles..........................350 Eating crow................................................225 Tooting your own horn.................................25 Climbing the ladder of success..................750 Pulling out the stops....................................75 Adding fuel to the fire................................160 Wrapping it up at the day's end..................12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms ............................50 Putting your foot in your mouth.................300 Starting the ball rolling.................................90 Going over the edge....................................25 Picking up the pieces after.........................350 »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Growing up in the 70's YOU KNOW YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL OF THE 70'S IF: 1. You wore that rainbow shirt that had half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other. 2. You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobbie Easy Bake Oven. 3. "Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind Hey Mickey!" was your first favorite pop song. 4. You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. 5. You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink. 6. You tried to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink. 7. Your hairstyle was ever described as having "wings." 8. You thought Shaun Cassidy actually wrote the songs "Da Do Run Run" and "Hey There Lonely Girl." 9. You are familiar with Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie. 10. You couldn't wait to be old enough to wear high-heeled shoes....the one's called "Yo Yo's" with the plastic heel with a hole through it (or Candies)!! 11. You carried a Muppets lunch box to school. 12. You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazard was your boyfriend. 13. You had Star Wars action figures, too. 14. You thought unicorns were real. 15. It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags! (Jiffy Pop was the all-time favorite!) 16. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. 17. You completely wore-out your Grease and Saturday Night Fever soundtrack albums. 18. You tried to do lots of arts and crafts things, like yarn & Popsicle stick God's Eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom. 19. Shrinky-dinks! What was so appealing about these? 20. You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your miniature tape recorder up to the speaker. 21. You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers. 22. You learned everything you needed to know about sex and your period from Judy Blume books. 23. You knew all the song lyrics from Grease and you wanted to be just like the "Cool" Sandy. 24. You had a "Pet Rock" named either Leif or Shaun. 25. Tube-tops were your favorite thing to wear to the roller rink, along with your Dove shorts and Mood lipstick. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Crafting Funnies Life just seems to keep me in stitches" God put me on this earth to sew and finish a certain number of things. I am so far behind now..... I will never die! Any day spent sewing, is a good day! Will work for FABRIC! Asking a quilter to mend, is like asking Picasso to paint your garage! A day hemmed in prayer seldom unravels Sewing forever, housework whenever! Sewing and crafts fill my day, not to mention the living room, bedroom, and closets Hubby calls me his "sew & sew" I Think Sew! Stash Management Flunkie Itching To Be Stitching Pleading to be Beading Slow Moving Seamstress: Fast Moving Thread & Needle! Caution: Enter this Sewing Room at your own Risk My Husband is a Human Pincushion! Repair What?#!*%$? A Stitch in Time saves Nine Don't Needle the Seamstress! Creative Clutter is better than Idle Neatness Warning: This Vehicle Stops at all Fabric Shops As ye Sew, sew Shall Ye Rip Hug Your Sewing Machine Quilts are like friends - a great source of comfort. Good friends are like quilts, they never lose their warmth. Good Friends are like Quilts. They age with you, yet never lose their warmth When I learned to sew, I forgot how to cook! Sew Much Fabric, Sew Little Time! Ready.....set.....SEW! Dull Women have Immaculate Homes When life throws you scraps, make a quilt Friendship is sewn with Love and Measured by Kindness Share the Love of Sewing! Constant Use has not worn ragged, the Fabric of their Friendship LOST: Husband, dog, and sewing machine. Reward offered for sewing machine! She who dies with the most fabric.....wins! "Fabricologist Resource Center"...now does that sound more impressive than "fabric stash" Sew on to success! One yard of fabric, like one cookie, is never enough! My husband said if I buy any more craft supplies he would leave me --- gosh, I'm going to miss that man! My husband said if I were to buy any more fabric, he would leave me. I'm going to miss him!!! My husband lets me buy all the fabric I can hide! A quilt is something you make to keep someone you love ... WARM! Anytime is stitchin' time. Touch these scissors and die! Memories are stitched with love. In the crazy quilt of life, I'm glad you're in my block of friends. Quilters never cut corners. I'm in therapy and SEWING is cheaper than a psychiatrist. Behind every sewer is a huge pile of fabric. You're SEW SPECIAL! From my hands --- to your heart! Buttons and patches and the cold wind blowing, the days pass quickly when I am sewing. Love is the thread that binds us. Friendships are sewn one stitch at a time A family stitched together with love, seldom unravels. Blessed are the piece makers! Blessed are the daughters of the piece makers for they shall inherit the quilts. Old seamstresses never go crazy, they just stay on pins and needles!! Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to sew we go! My soul is fed with needle and thread. The love of sewing is our common thread. A family is a patchwork of LOVE. Quilting with a friend, will keep you in stitches. Quilters never grow old, they just go to pieces. I love sewing and have plenty of material witnesses. You may admire my dust, but please don't write in it! "I got a sewing machine for my husband! Good trade, huh?" May your bobbin always be full! I still darn socks, I look at the holes, say "oh Darn" and throw them away! I spent most of my money on Arts & Crafts, the rest I just wasted. Why does work interfere with my crafting time? I like to give homemade gifts, which kid do ya want! If I stitch fast enough does it count as an aerobic exercise? I'm creative. You can't expect me to be neat too! Stitcher's favorite drink - Sewda! Look at the weaver, looming in the corner! Creative minds are rarely tidy. I love sewing & have plenty of material witnesses. Real cross stitchers floss every day. She who dies with the most wool, gets fleeced. A creative mess is better than tidy idleness. She who dies with the most fabric - dies! (hmmm kind of a morbid thought huh?) Sewing and crafts fill my days not to mention the living room, bedroom and closets. Stitchers bear their crosses better. I'm addicted to the needle and thread. I will cross that stitch when I come to it! X-Stitchers...you can count on us. How many sheep make a sweater? I'm in therapy and sewing is cheaper than a psychiatrist. I'm a material girl - want to see my fabric collection? I'd rather be crafting! Spent so much on the loom, I've got nothing weft! Memories are stitched with love. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Credit Card I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Slow Dance This really makes you think about your life, we need to enjoy more. Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round? Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight? Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Do you run through each day On the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, Do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores Running through your head? You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow? And in your haste, Not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die 'Cause you never had time To call and say "Hi"? You'd better slow down. Don't dance so fast. Time is short. The music won't last. When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away. Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The best things in life are postage paid, batteries included, guaranteed forever and tax-free. Jacqueline Schiff »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Funny Signs (some in Great Britain - but could be anywhere) * IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. * IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs * IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. * IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. * ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) * OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything-bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. * QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. * NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. * IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. * SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants, Please Stay In Your Car * SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. * NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. * MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. * ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) * SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. * OUTSIDE A FARM Horse manure -50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence do-it-yourself. * ENGLISH SIGN IN A GERMAN CAFE Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating. * OUTSIDE A NEW TOWN HALL WHICH WAS TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE OF WALES The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow. * OUTSIDE A PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also. * SEEN AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs. * OUTSIDE A DISCO Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome. * NOTICE SENT TO RESIDENTS OF A WILTSHIRE PARISH Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order. * ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is. * SIGN AT A NORFOLK FARM GATE Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left! * IN A NEW HAMPSHIRE JEWELRY STORE Ears pierced while you wait. * IN A NEW YORK RESTAURANT Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. * IN A LOS ANGELES DANCE HALL Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. * IN A FLORIDA MATERNITY WARD No children allowed. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Unexpected Company """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Webbed Bliss Know what you call webmeisters who get married? .......Newlywebs. Let me share some of the newlywebbed bliss with you. Most folks would register at Macy's or Foley's or Dilliard's or some place normal. Not Dick and Jane. They're registered with PC Warehouse and Mac Connection (URLs available upon request). The families did require Dick and Jane to provide a more traditional list of wants and needs however. So ultimately, they compiled, er, complied. They included the normal stuff...blender, toaster oven, electric mixer, food processor. But they categorized them all as 'plug-ins.' There was a moment or two of roughness. Jane kept arguing that communication was important in a marriage, so Dick finally bought another computer and a second phone line so he and Jane could chat. The topic of their first real spat though...Mac vs. Windows. At work, Dick has been introducing Jane as his future "service provider." Turn-about is fair play, of course; and Jane isn't referring to Dick as her future husband. She says he's a forthcoming Add-On (currently in Beta release). Thus far at all showers and pre-ceremony events Dick and Jane have seemed very happy. How happy? It's sickening. They keep tilting their heads sideways to smile at each other. :) Now, don't get me wrong. Dick and Jane are very serious about this endeavor. They have put an access counter on the door to the church and the reception hall. The reception will be a little bare compared to most though. They're serving cookies and java. The plan for the wedding? Dick and Jane have written the ceremony themselves...in HTML. The ushers will just pass out little slips of paper with URLS. All invitations came with a little slip of paper that said 'This wedding best viewed with Netscape Navigator.' Dick and Jane will spend all their days and nights of their honeymoon.... [the remainder of message has been censored by the Coalition for A Clean Internet]. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer, and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later. As I grew up I never questioned his place in our family. Mom taught me to love the Word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger was our storyteller. He could weave the most fascinating tales. Adventures, mysteries, and comedies were daily conversations. He could hold our whole family spellbound for hours each evening. He was like a friend to the whole family. He took Dad, Bill, and me to our first major league baseball game. He was always encouraging us to see the movies and he even made arrangements to introduce us to several movie stars. The stranger was an incessant talker. Dad didn't seem to mind, but sometimes Mom would quietly get up.......while the rest of us were enthralled with one of his stories of faraway places ..... go to her room, read her Bible, and pray. I wonder now if she ever prayed that the stranger would leave. You see, my dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions. But this stranger never felt an obligation to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our house-not from us, from our friends, or adults. Our longtime visitor, however, used occasional four letter words that burned my ears and made Dad squirm. To my knowledge the stranger was never confronted. My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in his home -not even for cooking. But the stranger felt like we needed exposure and enlightened us to other ways of life. He offered us beer and other alcoholic beverages often. He made cigarettes look tasty, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (too much, too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I know now that my early concepts of the man/woman relationship were influenced by the stranger. As I look back, I believe it was the grace of God that the stranger did not influence us more. Time after time he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked and never asked to leave. More than thirty years have passed since the stranger moved in with the young family on Morningside Drive. But if I were to walk into my parents' den today, you would still see him sitting over in a corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?................................................ We always just called him... TV. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST'S BALL Ampere was worried he wasn't current. Audubon said he'd have to wing it. Boyle said he was under too much pressure. Darwin waited to see what evolved. Descartes said he'd think about it. Dr Jekyll declined--he hadn't been feeling himself lately. Edison thought it would be illuminating. Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend. Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality. Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule. Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it. Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency. Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out. Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash." Newton planned to drop in. Ohm resisted the idea. Pavlov was drooling at the thought. Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm. Schroedinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he? Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco. Volta was electrified, and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought. Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam. Wilbur Wright accepted, provided that he and Orville could get a flight. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Beware of the request for a Blue Suit This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" "No," she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. "It must be blue." When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her...so I switched the heads." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Which Is Better These Days - Prison or Work? The thought of going to prison and serving "hard time" used to be enough to scare most potential criminals into becoming useful members of society. But with some of the working conditions in today's corporate world, Who has it better - prisoners or office workers? IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell. AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle. IN PRISON you get three meals a day. AT WORK you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it and it tastes worse than prison food. IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON you get your own toilet. AT WORK you have to share. IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK you get into trouble for speaking to your family and friends. IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK they are called "managers." Prison isn't just "three hots and a cot" anymore, is it? Compared to how much some of you have to work and the conditions you do it under, prison might seem like a welcome vacation. So where do you want to go today??? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Toilet Paper Warning! Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!! Word has it, if it isn't, come January 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900 and then turn into Sears Catalogs!!!!! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Police Officer on the Stand In court a defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Area 51 Mix-up You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Your Wife was in Scuba Accident The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Evans, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Evans said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Chesapeake Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Evans, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a two dozen good size blue crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Evans demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Red Lights Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« To Attend Or Not Attend A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Golf Game The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. "There's bad news?", the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Birds Once upon a time, two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I'm so full I can't fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me too. Let's just lie here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. Shortly after they had fallen asleep, a big, fat tomcat crept up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love baskin' robins." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Dear Mother and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection that prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck. Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no man in my life. However, I did get a "D" in history and an "F" in science. And I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Your loving daughter, »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« This story is not true but....... How MANY times does your phone ring and someone has dialed the wrong number ??? WRONG NUMBER Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?" A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you." The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Instructions IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that should give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to: Please, for God's sake, read this owner's manual carefully before you unpack the device... You already unpacked it, didn't you ? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddle with the knobs, didn't you? And now your child, the same one who once shoved a Polish Sausage into your Video Cassette Recorder and set it to 'Fast Forward' is also fiddling with the knobs, right? We might as well just break these things before we ship them out, you know that? Sorry! We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back 'defective' merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in Iced Tea for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about: 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. Please inspect the contents carefully for evidence of spear jabs or bottle caps, pull tabs, candy wrappers and Lord knows what else. WARNING: Do not ever, as long as you live, throw away the box or any of the pieces of styrofoam, especially the ones shaped like peanuts. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say 'WARNING' * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets * Two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns You will need to supply: * a matrix wrench * 60,000 feet of tram cable. If anything is damaged or missing: You immediately should turn to your spouse and say 'Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why.' WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret, and not something else. 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the plug where one prong is bigger than the other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new plug whose prongs consist of six small religious figurines made of chocolate. Adapters are sold separately and require 16 weeks for delivery. Please call 1-900-YOU-FOOL for current pricing. (You must be 18 or older to call; $17.95/minute. Average call duration: 3 hours) Do not try to plug it in! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it first with a damp handkerchief. Then, give us a call. 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING: We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual working parts are manufactured in Japan. The instructions were translated by Mrs. Shirley Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually been to Japan (or anywhere else for that matter), but has a second cousin who once was. INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, we advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B. 4. WARRANTY Be it hereby known that this device, together with (but not excluding) all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and next Thursday afternoon and shall be repaired/replaced at no cost to the owner. After that time, a slight service and shipping charge shall apply. Information on this extended warranty is available from Mr. Lance Haskill of the Last National Bank's Third Mortgage Department in Last Gasp, Wyoming. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Pun There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful. No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor. After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off. The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Scoundrel Father sent his daughter to an ultrafashionable girls' school and enrolled her in an extra-special ($500) class in etiquette. When Becky graduated, she plunged into society. One morning he found her crying hysterically. On the previous evening, it seems, she had attended a dance, met a very handsome and charming young man, and gone for a ride in the park that had disastrous results. "So," cried papa. "Who is this scoundrel, this wolf in sheep's clothing? Tell me his name." When Becky shamefully admitted that she didn't even know his name, Papa's patience was at an end. "After all your lessons," he screamed, "you still don't have the courtesy to ask 'With whom am I having the pleasure?'" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The message When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys -- they've come to steal your land." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Math and physics... The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building. The professor of English walking by asked, "What seems to be the problem?" "We," said the professor of mathematics, "were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole." The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, "It is exactly 20 feet long," and walked away smoking his pipe. Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, "Smart alec. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The'90s: (Living in 2006..... etc.) 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask: ";Do you wanna go get a coke?"; and he replies: ";Yeah, give me five minutes";. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with family and friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. 11. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 12. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 13. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 14. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor. 15. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 16. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital. 17. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 18. Your boss's favorite lines are: 1. When you've got a few minutes... 2. Could you fit this in...? 3. In your spare time... when you've got a moment I know you're busy but... 4. I have an opportunity for you 19. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."; 20. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 21. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." 22. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 23. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 24. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. 25. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play. 26. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 27. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant 28. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 29. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 30. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 31. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 32. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. 33. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags of the back seat of your car. 34. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 35. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 36. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 37. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 38. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 39. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go back and get it. 40. You read this entire list and you kept nodding and smiling. 41. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to"; e-mail group. 42. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« THINK! In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "THINK"! The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read: "THOAP!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Dear Valued Employee: Year 2000 passed and we are happy to inform you that Y2K did not affect us. Happy New Year! Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. Sincerely, Automated Payroll Process »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Thermometer Last week I went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence? When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Humorous Headlines From All Over "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say" "Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers" "Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over" "Teacher Strikes Idle Kids" "Miners Refuse to Work After Death" "After Detour To California, Shuttle Returns To Earth" "Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip" "Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half " "Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space" "Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter" "War Dims Hope for Peace" "Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge" "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge" "Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Cease-fire" "Woman Improving After Fatal Crash" "Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often" "Lawyer Says Client Is Not 'That' Guilty" "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While " "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks" "Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty" "Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors" "Burglar Steals Clock, Faces Time" "Crack Found on Governor's Daughter" "Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide" "Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?" "Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant" "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures" "New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group" "Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« McDonald's job application... This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post- it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF OUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Sad news. There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in..... Well, you know the rest. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Can't See Too well !! I recently went to my eye doctor for a checkup. As I have got a bit older, I have noticed that I don't see things as well up close. I told him about this, and as he was checking my eyes, he asked if that caused any particular problems. I commented that my food looked fuzzy. He suggested that I clean out my refrigerator. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« 22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical. 14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. 09. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 08. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 07. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 06. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 05. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors. 04. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 03. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 02. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. The #1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: 01 You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Ba-a-a-ad puns! I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me... said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again! I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme! I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« WHEN I'M A LITTLE OLD LADY ___ (___) When I'm a little old lady /` `\ Then I'll live with my children / /"\ \ and bring them great joy. \_/o o\_/ To repay all I've had ( _ ) from each girl and boy `\ /` I shall draw on the walls /\\V//\ and scuff up the floor; / /_ _\ \ Run in and out \ \___/ / without closing the door. \/===\/ I'll hide frogs in the pantry, || || socks under my bed. || || Whenever they scold me, ||___|| I'll hang my head. |_____| I'll run and I'll romp, ||| always fritter away / Y \ The time to be spent `"`"` doing chores every day. I'll pester my children ___ when they are on the phone. (___) As long as they're busy /` `\ I won't leave them alone. / /"\ \ Hide candy in closets, \_/o o\_/ rocks in a drawer, ( _ ) And never pick up my clothes `\ /` from the floor. /\\V//\ Dash off to the movies / /_ _\ \ and not wash a dish. \ \___/ / I'll plead for allowance \/===\/ whenever I wish. || || I 'll stuff up the plumbing || || and deluge the floor. ||___|| As soon as they've mopped it,|_____| I'll flood it some more. ||| When they correct me, / Y \ I'll lie down and cry, `"'"` ___ Kicking and screaming, (___) not a tear in my eye. /` `\ I'll take all their pencils / /"\ \ and flashlights, and then \_/o o\_/ When they buy new ones, ( _ ) I'll take them again. `\ /` I'll spill glasses of milk /\\V//\ to complete every meal, / /_ _\ \ Eat my banana and \ \___/ / just drop the peel. \/===\/ Put toys on the table, || || spill jam on the floor, || || I'll break lots of dishes ||___|| as though I were four. |_____| What fun I shall have, ||| what joy it will be to / Y \ Live with my children.... `"`"` the way they lived with me! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Parents' Day Each year we have a wonderful day When we celebrate our birth For twenty-four hours we seem to become The most special person on earth. But did you ever stop and wonder How all this came to be What is it that we celebrate? And why do they honor me? We have a day for Mothers And one for Fathers too But when we plan our birthday We forget those special two If there was a party when you were born You were the last to arrive So honor those who brought you And just be glad that you're alive Remember who made it possible When you plan your next big day Think of those who gave you life And call it "Parents' Day." -- Hans Christian Haugen March 7, 1994 »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Language A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.' »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Food Funny's Cabbage always has a heart; Green beans string along. You're such a Tomato, Will you Peas to me belong? You've been the Apple of my eye, You know how much I care; So Lettuce get together, We'd make a perfect Pear. Now, something's sure to Turnip, To prove you can't be Beet; So, if you Carrot all for me Let's let our tulips meet. Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now, Bee my Honey, dear; Or tears will fill Potato's eyes, While Sweet Corn lends an ear. I'll Cauliflower shop and say Your dreams are Parsley mine. I'll work and share my Celery, So be my valentine. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Score Take your best shot and let me know how you do!! This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get a better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so...grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers. 1. When do you feel your best? (a) in the morning (b) during the afternoon & early evening (c) late at night 2. You usually walk (a) fairly fast, with long steps (b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps (c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face (d) less fast, head down (e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you (a) stand with your arms folded (b) have your hands clasped (c) have one or both your hands on your hips (d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking (e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with (a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side (b) your legs crossed (c) your legs stretched out or straight (d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with (a) a big, appreciative laugh (b) a laugh, but not a loud one (c) a quiet chuckle (d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you.. (a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you (b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know (c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. Do you.. (a) welcome the break (b) feel extremely irritated (c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? (a) red or orange (b) black (c) yellow or light blue (d) green (e) dark blue or purple (f) white (g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie (a) stretched out on your back (b) stretched out face down on your stomach (c) on your side, slightly curled (d) with your head on one arm (e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are (a) falling (b) fighting or struggling (c) searching for something or somebody (d) flying or floating (e) you usually have dreamless sleep (f) your dreams are always pleasant POINTS: 1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 Now add up the total number of points. OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care" You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. 51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate. 41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out. 31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest... Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken. 21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature. UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« You think a gallon of gasoline is expensive? Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 equals $ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 equals $ 10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 equals $ 10.00 per gallon Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 equals $12.72 per gallon STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 equals $ 33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 equals $ 178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 equals $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $ 84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9oz for $1.49 equals $ 21.19 per gallon .....$21.19 FOR WATER!! You get the idea?? So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!! Worst yet, Pepto Bismol »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes! (Hint: Say the Chinese portion out loud.) English Phrase = Chinese Interpretation: Are you harboring a fugitive? = Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me ASAP = Kum Hia Nao. Stupid Man = Dum Gai. Small Horse = Tai Ni Po Ni. Did you go to the beach? = Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table = Ai Bang Mai Ni. I think you need a facelift = Chin Tu Fat. It's very dark in here = Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? = Hao Long Wei Ting? I thought you were on a diet = Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a two away zone = No Pah King. Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? = Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright = Yu So Dum. I got this for free = Ai No Pei. I am not guilty = Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer = Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week = Wai Yu Kum Nao. They have arrived = Hia Dei Kum. Stay out of sight = Lei Lo. He's cleaning his automobile = Wa Shing Ka. Your body odor is offensive = Yu Stin Ki Pu. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Senior Wisdom A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second. "And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third. Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Just Like Dave A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Ducks, Dogs, Guns, Beer and a New Jeep on Ice A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. (Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?) Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover ... under the Brand New Cherokee. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving these two idiots standing there with this, "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by the illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!! And you thought your day was not going well!!! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Dr. Suess's lost tongue twisters. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is fool cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now read the THIRD word, in each line, from the start. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Hypotheticals Question 1: You're a physician, and a pregnant woman consults you in your office. Of her eight children, three are deaf, two are blind, one is mentally retarded, and you determine that she has syphillis. Do you recommend that she have an abortion? Question 2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college, and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C He is a decorated war hero, a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks only an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice? The answers below........... In Question 2, the candidates names are: A - Franklin D. Roosevelt B - Winston Churchill C - Adolph Hitler Did you advise aborting the pregnancy in Question 1? Oops, that was Ludwig van Beethoven! »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« 1) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 2) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 3) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 4) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. 5) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 6) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 7) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 8) Earth first... we'll mind the other planets later. 9) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 10) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 11) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 12) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 13) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 14) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 15) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 16) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 17) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 18) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 19) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. 20) Consciousness that annoying time between naps. 21) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 22) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Tips for surviving the modern world 1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says "Printer out of paper", this problem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button. 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it up to the water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop computer, it will not get any heavier. 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 6. It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. 7. When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do it immediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 8. When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. 9. The French version of the Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English web pages into French. 10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for new orders....DON'T CALL BACK! 11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows or Mac. 12. You do not need your passport to get into New Mexico. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« "Things Only A Mom Can Teach" or "What my Mother taught me" My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.... "Just wait until your father gets home!" My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me LOGIC ... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." or "Because I said so, that's why". My Mother taught me MEDICINE.... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, you're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." My Mother taught me about ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold." My Mother taught me HUMOR ... "When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My Mother taught me about SEX... "How do you think you got here?" My Mother taught me about GENETICS.... "You're just like your father!" My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about the FOOD GROUPS... "If you put one foot outside that door, you're not getting any home-made bread." My mother taught me CONTORTIONS... "Have you seen the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me to STAND FIRM... "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER... "Looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me PHYSICS PROBLEMS... "What if I yelled because I saw a meteor coming down toward you; would you jump then?" or "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then"? My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR PROGRAMMING/MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate children who don't have have parents like you!" And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE.... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like." My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Japan's Banks... According to well informed insiders, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of amelioration. It's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank's growth has been stunted and now it plans to trim back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. Even Miso Bank is in hot soup, and an audit of the Tofu Bank is turning up questions about it's REAL assets. The only ray of light in all this is the arrival of a new bank rising out of the ashes of the others. Its name - Hiroshima Savings, and their slogan - "we've survived worse than this!" Its merger with the Teppanyaki Bank is still hot and on the table. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« What's SEX?... A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« My Resignation I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........ ......"Tag! You're it." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Think English is easy to learn?! So, You Think English is the greater language and it's easy to learn??? {Read it out loud.} We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. This was a good time to present the present. (This last could mean "gift" or "era of time.") A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Love, your Son" Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Actual Answering Machine Answers Recorded And Verified By The World Famous International Institute Of Answering Machine Answers. 01. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 02. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 03. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 04. Hi. Now YOU say something. 05. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 06. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? 07. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner! 08. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 09. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. 10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call. 11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. 14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. 16. Alright! You've reached Rush's answering machine. I can't talk to you right now but I will call you back, because I know, what a thrill it is, to get a call from me. Please leave your name, phone number and a brief message. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Unruly Neighbors... A man mentioned to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment above his were being a bit unruly, "Many a night they stomp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, because I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night, anyway. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« How To Lose Weight Without Exercising Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . . . 50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Top 14 Signs Oil Companies are out to get Consumers 14. Full service stations now offer home-equity loans for SUV owners. 13. Air for your tires? 25 cents per minute. Air for breathing? 50 cents per minute. 12. Ed Begley, Jr.'s electric car found in the middle of the Mojave Desert with "Charge THIS!" painted on the side. 11. They insist that the new expensive secret additive is "love." 10. A fill-up comes with your choice of a stick of butter, a plunger handle, or the DVD of "Deliverance." 09. Shell's new slogan: "Shell It Out, Baby!" 08. Who cares? We Americans learned our lesson in the '70s and now drive only small, gas-friendly econo-cars! 07. "Sorry, sir, but the price of unleaded has gone up 15 cents per gallon since you started filling up." 06. In a marketing move cleverly designed to make gas prices appear lower, Texaco announces a new unit of measure known as "the thimble." 05. New Mobil ad: "Do greedy, unscrupulous stations really fleece helpless consumers? People do." 04. Shell, BP, and Texaco announce a miraculous new fuel additive: Collusionol 03. Tankers order to purposely run ashore because executives "just wanted to hear the sound." 02. Petroleum fuel prices: UP Petroleum jelly prices: DOWN 01. That's no typo -- the sign says "Pay at the Pump" and they mean it. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Potatoes Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Joe, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Joe again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Joe once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Joe replied, "I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Understanding your paycheck Gross pay: $1222.02 Income Tax -244.40 Outgo Tax -45.21 State Tax -5.89 Interstate -61.10 County Tax -6.11 City Tax -12.22 Rural Tax -4.44 Back Tax -1.11 Front Tax -1.16 Side Tax -1.61 Up Tax -2.22 Down Tax -1.11 Tic-Tacs -1.98 Thumbtacks -3.93 Carpet Tacks -0.98 Stadium Tax -0.69 Flat Tax -8.32 Surtax -3.46 Ma'am Tax -5.00 Parking Fee -2.60 No Pkg Fee -5.85 F.I.C.A. -10.00 T.G.I.F. -81.88 Life Ins. -9.95 Health Ins. -3.41 Disability -16.23 Ability -2.50 Liability Ins. -0.25 Dental Ins. -4.50 Mental Ins. -4.33 Reassurance -0.11 Coffee -6.85 Coffee Cups Calendar -66.51 Floor Rental -3.06 Chair Rental -16.85 Desk Rental -4.32 Union Dues -5.85 Union Don'ts -3.77 Cash Advances -0.69 Cash Retreats -121.35 Overtime -1.26 Undertime -54.83 Eastern Time -9.00 Central Time -8.00 Mntn Time - 7.00 Pacific Time -6.00 GMT -24.00 Bath Time -4.44 Time Out -12.21 Oxygen -10.02 Water - 16.54 Electricity -38.23 Heat -51.42 Air -46.83 Misc -144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02 (This is where the expression "just my 2 cents worth" came from...) »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Chain Letter This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. Remember this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain!!! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. Remember this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel. You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain!!! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The members of the Check Mate club were holding their annual convention at the Broadmoor Hotel. As members from all over arrived to register, they gathered in the lobby bragging about their best matches and their smartest moves, each person attempting to top the other. The din grew so loud, the desk clerk came out and shooed all the members away. Irritated on seeing this the manager rushed to the desk clerk and asked why he cleared the lobby. "It's one of the things I hate the most", said the clerk. "Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Fourth for Poker The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Tate Family The old man is Dic Tate, who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro Tate tries to change everything. Their sister-in-law Agi Tate stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi Tate and his wife Vege Tate, want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi Tate, who wants your organization to be like all the others. Devas Tate provides the voice of doom. And of course, there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu Tate, who has cut himself off from the mainstream. But not all the members of the Tate family are bad. Facili Tate is quite helpful. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici Tate. Cousins Cogi Tate and Medi Tate are always thinking things over and lend helpful, steady hands. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Engineering Conversions Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment) 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 100 Senators: Not 1 decision »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Beethoven When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening. "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« This Old House A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe. "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years." "Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Lucille One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille." He asked that the pager company contact her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name?" was the reply. After re-establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. He replied, "L-O-W C-E-L-L" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Letter From California Washington State Residents: Last week's earthquake was just a warning. Now that we have your attention: Give us your power, give back our sunshine, take back your rain, then we'll take back our earthquakes. The People of California Northwest Response Dear California, We don't like threats or the people who make them. We'll keep our power, we never wanted your sunshine, we miss our rain, and we'll see your earthquake and raise you a volcano. The People of Washington »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« A Genie Joke - Be careful what you wish for.....!!! This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this salt- encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later." "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener .... »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Chinese Laundry This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry". "Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Well, where's the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen?" The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olafsen. She look at me... What your name? I say Sam Ting. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Baggers Can't be............ A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Top 15 suggested names for K-Mart Wine: 15. Box O' Grapes 14. Chateau Traileur Doublewide 13. White Trashfindel 12. Big Red Gulp 11. Grape Expectations 10. Domaine K-Mart "Merde du Pays" 9. NASCARbernet 8. Chef Boyardeau 7. Peanut Noir 6. Blue Light Special Nun 5. Chateau des Moines 4. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. World Championship Wriesling 1. Nasti Spumanti »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Chinese Gong A man was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the man replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the man. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the man replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear- shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot... it's ten past three in the morning!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« But Officer A policeman stopped a guy for driving erratically. He peered intently into the driver's eyes and said, "Your eyes look bloodshot, have your been drinking?" The guy peers into the policeman's eyes and says, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new! "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white creamy stuff you used to get all the pieces back together?" The crew chief says. . .. . . . . . "Oh, that was Tollgate Booth Paste." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«