<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Cool Quotes A closed mouth gathers no feet. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A king's castle is his home. A penny saved is ridiculous. All that glitters has a high refractive index. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Anarchy is better than no government at all. Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. As you read the scroll, it vanishes... Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think. BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd. Computer hackers do it all night long. Computer modelers simulate it first. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Courage is your greatest present need. CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad... Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. Drive defensively -- buy a tank. Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality. Familiarity breeds children. God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Help support helpless victims of computer error. Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other. I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. It works better if you plug it in. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. KODACLONE - duplicating film. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. Life's a bitch, then you die. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. Mediocrity thrives on standardization. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm. QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France. Reality's the only obstacle to happiness. Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up. Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. The road to to success is always under construction. Those who can't write, write help files. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. Today is the last day of your life so far. TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids. Wasting time is an important part of life. When all else fails, read the instructions. When in doubt, don't bother. When in doubt, ignore it. Xerox does it again and again and again and... XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol. YTERM - A terminal program for queries. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> *<> Have you heard about all the mergers going on in the information technology industry? Here are a few examples of deals in the works although they haven't been formally announced yet! Pitney Bowes may merge with Honeywell Bull to create Pit Bull: They'll have the first postal meter that bites unauthorized users. CheckFree Corp., Inacomp, and Beyond Mail will become Check's InaMail. Real World Accounting and Virgin Interactive will become Real Active Virgin: Recommended by Madonna. Dell Computer and Farmer's Almanac will become Farmer's in the Dell: They'll specialize in computers that can predict crop yields and planting times. Megahertz Corp., My Software, and Fastback will become MyBackHertz: Their specialty will be easy to use PCMCIA backup!. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> *<> A Year's Worth... "Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in a year as you make use of. One man gets only a week's value out of a year while another gets a full year's value out of a week." --Charles Richards <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> *<> Dilbert's Laws of Work If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more you put up with, the more you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> *<> Some random thoughts!! They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken The Dark Ages was caused by a Y1K problem. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learner's permit. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. Time if fun when you're having flies. (Kermit the Frog) Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Gun Control: Use both hands. Corduroy pillows make headlines. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option, it's bundled with your software. I'm pretty sure sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already? If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Love makes the world go round! Course, eating bad tuna makes it spin too. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Remember when...? Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big eople" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED ! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Andy Rooney's Thoughts on Life Good observations - Good things to practice. I've learned.... that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. I've learned.... that when you're in love, it shows. I've learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. I've learned.... that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned.... that being kind is more important than being right. I've learned.... that you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned.... that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned.... that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. I've learned.... that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned.... that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned.... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... that money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned.... that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned.... that to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... that love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... that life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I've learned.... that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned.... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation. I've learned.... that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. Author - Andy Rooney <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Things that make you go Hmm. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bed-makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Ponder these.... But Why? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there Interstates in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited? Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work? If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why the locks on the door? Why is a bra singular and panties plural? If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? If they squeeze olives to get olive oil how do they get baby oil? If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? If you drive at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Does a clean house indicate there is a broken computer in it? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear? Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? Why do people constantly return to the fridge with hopes that something new to eat has materialized? On electric toasters, why do they engrave 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are going to try and stuff in that slot? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times, from several angles, with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say,"Its all right." It isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt!" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> 01. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 02. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 03. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 04. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" 05. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. 06. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 07. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 08. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc." 09. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp. 10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> A trip down memory lane... THINK BACK.......... Before the Internet or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before chronic and indo. Before SEGA or Super Nintendo. Way back........ I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. Sittin' on the porch, Hot bread and butter. The Good Humor man. Red light, Green light. Chocolate milk. Lunch tickets. Penny candy in a brown paper bag. Playin' Pinball in the corner store. Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch Jacks, kickball, dodgeball, y'all! Mother May I? Red Rover and Roly Poly. Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds. Jolly Ranchers, Banana Splits, Wax Lips and Mustaches. Running through the sprinkler The smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips.... Wait...... Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons, Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs. Back further, listening to Superman on the radio. Catchin' lightening bugs in a jar. Playin sling shot. When around the corner seemed far away. And going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Bedtime, Climbing trees. An ice cream cone on a warm summer night, Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe butter Pecan. A lemon coke from the fountain at the corner drug store. A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians. Sittin on the curb. Jumpin down the steps. Jumpin on the bed. Pillow fights. Runnin till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Being tired from playin'.... Remember that? I ain't finished just yet.... Eating Kool-aid powder with sugar. Remember when..... When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym." When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one. When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a miracle. When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks? When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are still afraid of em!!! Didn't that feel good.. just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! There's nothing like the good old days! They were good then, and they're good now when we think about them. Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate, then share it with someone that missed out on them. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Various Business Signs: On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming." In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional." Veterinary's office: "All unattended children given free kitten" <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> George Carlinisms Thoughts For The New Millennium How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Does that screwdriver belong to Philip? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? Does killing time damage eternity? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light year? If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them? If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Humorous Sayings I Thank My Lucky Stars I'm Not Superstitious. It Is Better To Be Brief Than Boring. It Is Better To Have Loved And Lost Than Just To Have Lost. It Is Much Easier To Be Critical Than To Be Correct. When You Kill Time, You Murder Success. It's Easier To Get Older That It Is To Get Wiser. It's Easy To Be Brave From A Safe Distance. It's Hard To Be Serious When You're Naked. It's Only A Game Until You Lose. It's Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood. It's Not The Money I Want, It's The Stuff. It's Your Right To Be Stupid, But It Doesn't Mean You Should Be. I've Been Seduced By The Chocolate Side Of The Force. I've No Idea What I'm Doing Out Of Bed. I've Seen The Future. I Can't Afford It. I've Taken A Vow Of Poverty. To Annoy Me, Send Money. I Can't Give You Brains, But I Can Give You A Diploma. I Cna Ytpe 300 Wrods Pre Mniuet!!! I Didn't Know It Was Impossible When I Did It. I Don't Lie, Cheat Or Steal Unnecessarily. I Drink To Make Other People Interesting. I Get Mail... I Exist. Or I Get E-Mail... I Exist. I Had A Life Once... Now I Have A Computer And A Modem. I Have Enough Trouble Single-Tasking! I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Tape Somewhere. I Know Karate, Kung Fu, And 47 Other Dangerous Words. I Like Work; It Fascinates Me. I Can Sit And Look At It For Hours. I Wouldn't Mind Being Poor If I Had Lots Of Money. If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I'd Make The Same Mistakes Sooner. (S)He Who Laughs Last Is Probably Your Boss. He Who Laughs Last Probably Didn't Get The Joke. I Think, Therefore I Am. I Think. I Was A Banker, But Lost Interest. Too Much Of A Good Thing Can Be Wonderful. In A Nuclear War, All Men Will Be Cremated Equal. Is Reading In The Bathroom Considered Multi-Tasking? Is That A Banana In Your Pocket, Or You Are Happy To See Me? It's Not How Old You Are But How You Are Old How Do You Know It's Summer In Oregon? Rain's Warm! Definition Of Luck: When Preparation Meets Opportunity. Do Not Believe In Miracles - Rely On Them. Do Not Believe Everything You Hear Or Anything You Say. Do Not Let Schooling Get In The Way Of Your Education. Save Your Money - Someday It May Be Worth Something. Why Worry About Life? You Won't Survive It, Anyway. Drive Defensively, Buy A Tank. Everyone Wants To Go To Heaven, But No One Wants To Die. Everything Is Unimportant In Some Way. Experience: A Name Everyone Gives To His Mistakes. Famous Last Words - Don't Worry, I Can Handle It. Laugh At Your Problems; Everybody Else Does. Love Is Blind, Marriage Is The Eye-Opener. No Matter Which Way You Ride, It's Up Hill And Against The Wind. Nothing Increases Your Golf Score Like Witnesses. Parents Never Fully Appreciate Teachers Until It Rains All Weekend. To All Virgins. Thanks For Nothing. Pride Is What We Have...Vanity Is What Others Have. Smile... Things Can Always Get Worse. Talk Is Cheap Unless You Hire A Lawyer Teamwork Is Vital... It Gives You Someone To Blame. Driving Lesson One: Shiny Side Up; Rubber Side Down. Go Ahead, Jump. 100,000 Lemmings Can't Be Wrong. There's Nothing More Frightening Than Ignorance In Action. We Should Go Metric, Every Inch Of The Way. Behind Every Successful Woman-Herself. Never Say No! No Sex With Anyone In The Same Office. Old Hippies Never Die, They Just Move To Eugene. It Is Not Unlawful To Be Big And Beautiful. If You Follow The Others, You Will Always Be Behind. If You're Not Confused, You're Not Paying Attention. Ignorance Can Be Cured. Stupidity Is Forever. I'm Easy To Please... As Long As I Get My Way. I May Not Be Perfect, But I'm Always Me! I Never Met A Chocolate I Didn't Like. I Used To Have A Handle On Life. Then It Broke. If God Had Intended Man To Smoke, He Would Have Set Him On Fire! If I Can't Fix It, It's Not Broken. You Cannot Achieve The Impossible Without Attempting The Absurd. I Don't Eat Snails. I Prefer Fast Food. I Just Took An Iq Test. The Results Were Negative. If You Think You Have No Faults, That Makes One. Cute And Interesting Are Two Different Things. Death: To Stop Sinning Suddenly. Liars Get Caught By The Tale. It's Morally Wrong To Allow Suckers To Keep Their Money. Keep Your Words Soft And Sweet, In Case You Have To Eat Them. Light At The End Of The Tunnel? Look Out For That Train. Many Of Us Have An Excellent Aim In Life, But No Ammunition. Never Leapfrog With A Unicorn. Never Stand Between A Dog And A Hydrant. Never Step In Anything Soft. Questions, Questions! Does It Ever End?! There Is Intelligent Life In The Universe... It Ignores Us... When You Have A Lot, You Have Many Friends. When You Have Little, You Have True Friends. While Money Doesn't Buy Love, It Puts You In A Great Bargaining Position. Wisdom Is Knowing What To Do With What You Know. Without Music, Life Would Be A Mistake. A Husband Is A Lover Who Pushed His Luck Too Far. Unwritten Laws Cannot Be Erased. You Are Only Young Once, But You Can Be Immature Forever. You Can Close Your Eyes To Reality But Not To Memories. You Have The Right To Remain Silent... Use It! Don't Hate Yourself In The Morning -- Sleep 'Til Noon. You Will Never Be Younger Than You Are Today. You Would If You Could But You Can't So You Won't. Your Kind Words Warm Me On A Winter Day. You're Never A Loser Until You Quit Trying. Youth Is A Gift Of Nature. Age Is A Work Of Art. I Like Your Approach, Now Let's See Your Departure. Cheer Up, The Worst Is Yet To Come. I May Be Getting Older, But I Refuse Grow Up. I Never Deny, I Never Contradict. I Sometimes Forget. The Road To Success Is Always Under Construction. I Think. Therefore I'm Dangerous. I Think...Therefore I'm Over Qualified I Tried To Think But Nothing Happened! I Think Sex Is Better Than Logic, But I Can't Prove It. I Try To Make Everyone's Day A Little More Surreal. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're All Right Now. I Will Always Love The False Image I Had Of You. If I Can't Fix It, It's Probably Dead. I'd Like To Live Like A Poor Person With Lots Of Money. If All You Have Is A Hammer, Everything Looks Like A Nail. If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success. If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You're In The Wrong Lane. To Be, Or Not To Be, Those Are The Parameters. If Idiots Could Fly, This Would Be An Airport. If Love Is Blind, Lingerie Makes Great Braille. Trapezoid - A Device For Catching Zoids. If You Associate With The Wise, You Will Become Wise. If You Can't Do It Well, Enjoy Doing It Badly If You Can't Say Anything Nice, You Probably Don't Have Many Friends. I'm Nobody. Nobody Is Perfect. Therefore I'm Perfect! I'm Looking Nice, My Shadow's Looking Nice... What A Team. I'm Not A Complete Idiot, Some Parts Are Missing! I'm Not As Dumb As You Look. I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed. What More Do You Want? I'm Serious. It Was A Joke. I'm The Person Your Mother Warned You About. I'm Very, Very Good At Being Very, Very Bad. Imagination Is More Important Than Knowledge. Imagination Is The Foundation Of Reality. Immortality Is My Short-Term Goal In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash. In Politics Stupidity Is Not A Handicap. In Youth We Learn, In Age We Understand. Insert New Disk For Drive C: Press Enter When Ready. Is There Life Before Coffee? It Is Bad Luck To Be Superstitious. The Rooster May Crow, But The Hen Delivers. Few Women Admit Their Age. Few Men Act Theirs. Friends Come And Go, Enemies Accumulate. Love Isn't Love Until You Give It Away.. Give Me Some Chocolate And No One Gets Hurt! Life Is Lived Forwards, But Understood Backwards. Good Judgment Comes From Experience. Experience Comes From Bad Judgment. Hard Work Has A Future Payoff. Laziness Pays Off Now. Middle Age: When Your Age Starts Showing At Your Middle. Having A Good Time Can Be Deadly. Heating With Wood, You Get Warm Twice: Once Chopping It, And Once Stacking It. When All Else Fails, Lower Your Standards. A Closed Mouth Gathers No Feet. When All Else Is Lost, The Future Still Remains. When No One Else Cares, My Computer Still Loves Me! When Talking Nonsense Try Not To Be Serious. A Friend: Someone Who Likes You Even After They Know You. A Pessimist Complains About The Noise When Opportunity Knocks. Remember When The Air Was Clean And Sex Was Dirty? Woman's Mind Is Cleaner Than Man's; It Changes More Often. Women Are Either Hunting A Husband, Or Hiding From Him. Women Are Meant To Be Loved, Not To Be Understood. Woman. Zip... Great Program, No Documentation!!! A Single Fact Can Spoil A Good Argument. Why Should I Grow Up? This Is More Fun! Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot Them? Who Took The Battery Out Of My Pacemaker?! If Rabbits Feet Are So Lucky, What Happened To The Rabbit? If You Think It's Hard To Meet New People, Pick Up The Wrong Golf Ball. Death Is Life's Way Of Telling You You've Been Fired! It's Hard To Fly With Eagles When You Work With Turkeys. Lose Weight - Eat Stuff You Hate. Shock Me, Say Something Intelligent! Make Someone Happy Today - Mind Your Own Business. Men Have Many Faults, Women Only Two, All They Say And All They Do. Women Have Many Faults, Men Only Two, All They Say And All They Do. Never Put Off 'Til Tomorrow What You Can Avoid Altogether. Never Underestimate The Lack Of Taste Of The Buying Public. Never Underestimate The Power Of Human Stupidity. Sorry, My Mind Will Be Closed Today. Everything Takes Longer Than You Think. Doing Nothing Makes You Tired 'Cause You Can't Take A Break. Do You Always Hit The Nail Right On The Thumb? Do It Today, Tomorrow It Will Be Bad For Your Health Or Illegal. Diplomacy Is The Art Of Saying "Nice Doggie" Until You Get A Rock. Diplomacy Is The Art Of Letting Someone Else Have Your Way. Don't Force It; Get A Larger Hammer. Don't Get Discouraged... No One Is Perfect. Stop Talking! I'm Out Of Aspirin! Everything Goes On Sale... Right After You Buy It. Expert - Anyone From Out Of Town. Expert - Knows Tomorrow Why Today's Prediction Failed. Red Lights Always Last Longer Than Green Ones. Fellow With Closed Mind Often Has Open Mouth. Forgive Your Enemies But Never Forget Their Names. Give A Woman An Inch And She'll Park A Car In It. Don't Judge A Book By Its Movie. Don't Let School Interfere With Your Education. Drive Carefully, Death Is So Permanent Early In Bed - Makes You Healthy, Wealthy And Boring. Early To Bed And Early To Rise And You'll Miss A Lot Of Fun. Eat Yogurt And Get Culture. Even If You Understood Women, You'd Never Believe It. Tact Is Knowing How Far To Go In Going Too Far. The Girl Of Your Dreams Is Unavailable Except In Print. Take My Advice, I Don't Need It. The Heart Is Wiser Than The Intellect... There Were Computers In Biblical Times. Eve Had An Apple. The Longer The Title, The Less Important The Job. All Men Are Born Free And Equal, But Some Get Married. College Is A Fountain Of Knowledge Where Students Come To Drink. Always Remember That You Are Absolutely Unique. Just Like Everyone Else. An Optimist Is One Who Sees A Light. A Pessimist Is One Who Blows It Out. An Optimist Laughs To Forget... A Pessimist Forgets To Laugh. Anything That Can Go Wrong Will. Make It Fool Proof, And Somebody Will Make A Better Fool! Carpenters Are Just Plane Folks. Chicken - The Egg's Way Of Making More Eggs. Climate Is What You Expect. Weather Is What You Get. Age Isn't Important Unless You're A Cheese. Two Can Live As Cheaply As One... For Half As Long. The Only Thing Shorter Than A Weekend Is A Vacation. Always Be Sincere, Even If You Don't Mean It. Always Forgive Your Enemies. They Hate It! As Zeus Said To Narcissus, " Watch Yourself!" At A Nudist Wedding Everybody Can See Who The Best Man Is. Atheism Is A Non-Prophet Organization. Be Nice To Your Kids. They Will Choose Your Nursing Home. Can You Repeat The Part After "Listen Very Carefully"? Some Mondays Are Mondayer Than Others. A Cat Is The Only Real Love Money Can Buy. Computers Can Never Replace Human Stupidity. Multitasking Allows Screwing Up Several Things At Once. A Social Life? From What Board Can I Download That? Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced Only Need Apply. Kids-They're Not Sleeping, They're Recharging! Kiss Me Twice. I'm Schizophrenic. Life-Brief Interlude Between Nothingness And Eternity. Love Is The Triumph Of Imagination Over Intelligence. Keep Stress Out Of Your Life. Give It To Others Instead. WARNING! This House Protected by Killer Dust Bunnies! I could be a perfect parent, if it weren't for my kids. This marriage was made in heaven, but so were thunder and lightening! I cleaned my house yesterday - wish you could have seen it. Please limit calls to 5 mins. The Management (for teens) If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. If papa ain't happy, nobody cares. A hug is a great gift, one size fits all! A fool and his money are fun to go out with. I never saw a carbohydrate I didn't like. Peace is not needing to know what will happen next. We're staying together for the sake of the cat. If mom says no, ask grandma! <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Steven Wright Classics I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. What's another word for -thesaurus?- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, - I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better. I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. You can't have everything... where would you put it? Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He said, -Yes, but not in a row.- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious. On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.] I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.- I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're behind the couch.- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> A Few Deep Thoughts * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"? * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. * I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use... Toothpicks? * Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? * How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? * If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? * Go ahead and take risks.... just be sure that everything will turn out OK. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? * Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. * How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow? * Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak? * How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? * If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Top 10 signs your company is planning a layoff... 10. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe." 09. Company announces plans to convert from computers to Etch-A-Sketch. 08. Company softball team down-sized to chess team. 07. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle". 06. Company president now driving a Hyundai. 05. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth. 04. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string. 03. That "Future Location Of McDonald's" sign in one end of the company parking lot. 02. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters. 01. The "Future Headquarters Of (Your Company Name Here)" on the cashier booth in the parking garage across the street. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Points to Ponder Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include free trips around the sun. Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live. Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all have to learn to live in the same box. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Stock Market Report Helium was up. Feathers were down, and paper was stationary. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Knives were off sharply. Cows were steered into a bull market.. Pencils were down sharply. Elevators were up. Escalators experienced a slight decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers were unchanged. Prunes plummeted. Sun peaked at mid-day. Balloon prices were inflated. There was heavy trading in metal. ...and the bottom fell out of disposable diapers. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Funny Definitions (Words to Ponder) Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife. Antelope: How she married my Uncle. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage. Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted. Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy. Burglarize: What a crook sees with. Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married. Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic. Castanets: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend. Celtics: What a parasite salesman does. Concert: A breath mint for inmates. Consist: A growth on an inmate. Content: A fabric shelter for inmates. Control: A short, ugly inmate. Convent: How inmates get air conditioning. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste. Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that looses control over his or her pupils. Decrease: De fold in de pants. Demote: What de king put around de castle. Despise: De persons who work for de CIA. Detention: What causes de stress. Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud. Dilate: When a person lives longer. Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle. Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthamologist. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does. Leftbank: What the robber did when his bag was full of money. Misty: How golfers create divots. Paradox: Two physicians. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm. Polarize: What penguins see with. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief: What trees do in the Spring. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> BUY AMERICAN Regarding job layoffs in the U.S. Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA..... <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Grandchildren are indeed one of life's sweetest gifts. We are free to love these precious people without distraction just as they are. We are makers of ritual for them, guardians of family traditions and the people who can tell them stories from the past. Naturally nurturing our grandchildren's development fits our role as grandparents. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> People with virtue must speak out; People who speak are not all virtuous. Chap.14, Analect ( Lun Yu ) - Confucius <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies." Groucho Marx <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> In a perfect union the man and woman are like a strung bow. Who is to say whether the string bends the bow, or the bow tightens the string? Cyril Connolly, critic and editor (1903-1974) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "There are three conversions. The conversion of the heart, of the mind, and finally of the purse." Martin Luther <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe. John Henry Newman (1801âEUR"1890), English theologian. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Those who can read and don't are no better off than those who can't. Sam Clemens <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "It's never the end of the world. It's already tommorrow in Austrialia." Charles M. Schultz <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." Kurt Vonnegut <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Greed is the universal motive, sincerity is a pose, honesty is for chumps, altruism is selfishness with a neurotic twist, and morality is for kids and fools." Walt Harrington, The Washington Post Dec. 27, 1987 <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Abandoning an absolute ethical (and) moral standard leads irresistibly to the absence of ethics and morality. Each person determines his own ethical/moral code. That's anarchy. Humans become their own gods and decide, each in his own way, what is good and what is evil. Evil becomes good -- good becomes evil. Upside down morality! Good is ridiculed! Evil is dignified!" Richard C. Halverson <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Monetary loss or even the shock of moral sensibilities is perhaps a passing thing, but the braking down of the faith of a people in the honesty of their government and in the integrity of their institutions, the lowering of respect for the standards of honor which prevail in high places, are crimes for which punishment can never atone." Herbert Hoover <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "first in war, first in peace and last in the American league" Baseball phrase <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. Jean Cocteau <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company. Charles Evans Hughes, jurist (1862-1948) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Michael Jordan <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" "A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." Louis Nizer (1902 - 1994) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He is a self-made man & worships his creator." John Bright <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul." David Lloyd George <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." Groucho Marx <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston (about Richard Nixon) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "She is a peacock in everything but beauty." "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works." Will Rogers <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Today we are shapers of the world of tomorrow." Walt Disney <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Dear Abby's New Year's Resolutions Adapted from the original credo of Al-Anon JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer. JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I will not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself. JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only for today. And just for today, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block. JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "A vote is like a rifle; its usefulness depends upon the character of the user." Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919) <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Motherhood 24/7, on the front-lines of humanity. Are you man enough to try it? <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why practice?" <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> “2lovers + 2gether + 4ever + 2share = 10der love” <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> "Familys are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts!" <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Some things to think about...... - Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? - Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. - People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. - It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. - I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. - It hurts to be on the cutting edge. - If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. - I am a nutritional overachiever. - My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. - I am having an out of money experience. - Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths. - Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. - Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. - You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. - It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. - The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. - Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. - Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>