Signs on a bus...

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved
to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she
moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained
to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming"
and I had to smile.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident."
I laughed out loud.

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

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     Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
     appeared in court before the judge.

     The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give
     you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this
     weekend and persuade people to give up drugs forever.

     I'll see you back in court Monday."

     On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first
     one,  "How did you do over the weekend?"

     "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

     "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

     "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
        _
      /    \

     |      |        O

      \ _  /

     and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and
     this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

     "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the
     2nd boy)

     "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

     "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

     "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing
     to small circle) this is your asshole before prison...

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                             Ultimate Fantasy...

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were
asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents
said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it
appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one
man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney
on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the
flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought
and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a
drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely
raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and
told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

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                     Oil changing instructions

WOMEN

 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last
    oil change.
 2. Drink a cup of coffee.
 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    vehicle.


MEN

 1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
    filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back
    to auto parts store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
 3. Open a beer and drink it.
 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
 7. Place drain pan under engine.
 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
 9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change
    tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil
    to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
    onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.
32. Clean up; apply Band Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
    spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

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                    Married 10 Times????

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.  "How can that be if you've
been married ten times?"
"Well, ..................Husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how
it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get
back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk
about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at
it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was....
God!  I miss him!!!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh!  You're a lawyer.  This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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                        Concorde Sick Humor

01. Did you hear that one of the Concorde pilots asked the other if he was
going home after his shift.  He said no, he was just going to crash at the
hotel.

02. The European Commission have met and declared that Concorde's
impeccable safety record will stand.  The hotel was in the wrong.

03. The French hotel at the centre of Tuesday's Concorde disaster has
accepted full responsibility for the crash......  Apparently someone left
the Landing Lights on.

04. Affluent German tourists choose to fly Concorde. They'd not be seen
dead on anything else.

05. Apparently the German relatives are complaining because they got only 5
air miles!!

06. So many German tourists; so few Concordes.

07. The French killed more Germans on Tuesday than in 2 world wars.

08. I know that the Germans like to get to the sun-lounges first, but isn't
this just a bit ridiculous?

09. Overheard at the Hotelissimo, Gronesse: "Waiter! There's a Concorde in
my soup."

10. Air France have just introduced a new express service for their
premium travellers which guarantees you can be off your plane and in your
hotel in all of two minutes.

11. Why is Concorde such good value for money? You get the hotel thrown
in.

12. How do you fit 100 Germans into a small French hotel? On a Concorde!

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            The Outhouse

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet-red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised,
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tyke
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

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Teacher: "Now, children, there is a wonderful example in that life of the
ant. Everyday the ant goes to work and works all day.  Everyday the ant is
busy.  And in the end what happens?"
Johnny: "Someone steps on him."

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                  Got Milk?

The not necessarily well prepared student sat in his life science classroom
staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give
four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four part answer. Again,
what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed
again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly,
he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

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Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!!
.....and when we have real trouble, it's HYSterectomy

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                         First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing
the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test,and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in
your home.

EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the
main box.
Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible
and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor
is just perfect.
Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.Press the bookends against one of your
breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it
again. You are now properly prepared.

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                       A Very Funny Story

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jays' kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and
a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll.  Of course,
they don't sell those things at Wal-mart.  I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown.  If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go!
You'll only confuse youself.  I was there almost three hours saying things
like, "What does this do?"  "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you
have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.  I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.  I'm not sure what a complicated doll is.  Perhaps one
that is subject to wild mood shift and using a Fench accent for no reason
at all.
(That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)  Finding what I wanted was
difficult.  Love dolls come in many different models.  The top of the
line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd seen in a book
on animal husbandry.  I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could
live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the
price scale.  To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door
key hidden under the mat.  In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had
come and gone, I snuck into the house and filed the dangling panty hose
with Louises's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank
what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  Then I let myself out,
went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning, my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused.  He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more,  I suggested he puchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover
straight.

We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.  It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that
Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My Grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?: she asked.  My brother quickly explained.  "it's a
doll."

"Who would play with something like that?"  Granny snapped.  I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.  "Where are her
clothes?"

Granny continued.  I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this
information to myself.

 "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room.  But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
Hang  on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"  I told him she
was Jay's friend.  A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel.
talking to Louise.  Not just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a
heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose and Grandpa
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resucitation.  My brother wet his pants and Granny threw
down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.  It was indeed
a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered That Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of
her right thigh.  Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health.  Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.  I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get
out of the house.

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Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My
fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit
beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed
the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored
me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have s*x with me. Then she just stood up and walked
to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I
wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to
be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted
to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook
his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I
keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was
walking out to my car was to get a condom

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Harley Davidson...

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God
went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

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Things You Can Only Say During Thanksgiving

. Talk about a huge breast!
. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
. It's Cool Whip time!
. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!
. Are you ready for seconds yet?
. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
. Are you able to handle all these people at once?
. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
. You still have a little bit on your chin and lips!
. How long will it take after you stick it in?
. You'll know it's ready when it pops up!
. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

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