EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS When in sorrow, ....................... call John 14. When men fail you, ..................... call Psalm 27. If you want to be fruitful, ............ call John 15. When you have sinned, .................. call Psalm 51. When you worry, ........................ call Matthew 6:19-34. When you are in danger, ................ call Psalm 91. When God seems far away, ............... call Psalm 139. When your faith needs stirring, ........ call Hebrews 11. When you are lonely and fearful, ....... call Psalm 23. When you grow bitter and critical,...... call I Corinthians 13. For Paul's secret to happiness,......... call Colossians 3:12-17. For understanding of Christianity, ..... call II Corinthians5:15-19. When you feel down and out, ............ call Romans 8:31. When you want peace and rest, ......... call Matthew 11:25-30. When the world seems bigger than God, .. call Psalm 90. When you want Christian assurance, ..... call Romans 8:1-30. When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121. When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67. For a great invention/opportunity, ..... call Isaiah 55. When you want courage for a task, ...... call Joshua 1. For how to get along with fellow men, .. call Romans 12. When you think of investments and returns,call Mark 10. If you are depressed, ................. call Psalm 27. If your pocketbook is empty, ........... call Psalm 37. If you are losing confidence in people,. call I Corinthians 13. If people seem unkind, ................. call John 15. If discouraged about your work, ........ call Psalm 126. If you find the world growing small and yourself great, ... call Psalm 19. Alternate numbers: For dealing with fear, ................. call Psalm 34:7. For security, .......................... call Psalm 121:3. For assurance, ......................... call Mark 8:35. For reassurance, ....................... call Psalm 145:18. Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary. All lines to Heaven are open 24 hours a day! Feed your faith, and doubt will starve to death! *************************************************************************** Now I lay me down in school Where praying is against the rule. For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If scripture now the class recites It violates the Bill of Rights. Anytime my head I bow Becomes a federal matter now. The law is specific; the law is precise. Praying out loud is no longer nice. Praying aloud in a public hall Upsets those who believe in nothing at all. In silence alone we can meditate And if God should get the credit--great! They are bringing their guns, I don't dare bring my Bible, To do so might make me liable. So, now Oh Lord, this plea I make; Should I be shot in school, My soul please take. *************************************************************************** THINGS THAT REMIND ME OF GOD God is like General Electric He lights your path. God is like Bayer Aspirin He works wonders. God is like Hallmark Cards He cared enough to send the very best. God is like Tide He gets out the stains that others leave behind. God is like VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather. God is like Dial Soap Aren't you glad you know Him? Don't you wish everyone did? God is like Sears He has everything. God is like Alka Seltzer Oh, what a relief He is! God is like Scotch Tape You can't see Him but you know He's there! God is like The Copper Top Battery Nothing can outlast him. God is like American Express Don't leave home without Him! *************************************************************************** ~~ The Flower Shop ~~ Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon crowds were flocking to the shop. Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined. So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to persuade the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well. Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest, and his children to visit the monks - each in turn asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work. Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a cudgel, shattered the windows of the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monks black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business. Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery. Proving, of course... ... this is really bad, you know ... ... only Hugh can prevent florist friars. *************************************************************************** Where is God? A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it! *************************************************************************** CLINTON and ST. PETER "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World. "Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to come in." replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations'. And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it "bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury. With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And when you enter, you don't have to 'abandon all hope', just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over. *************************************************************************** ...."The biggest mathematical miracle in the world!!!" Moses and the people were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 2 or 3 million people requires a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have had 1,500 tons of food each day. Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two freight trains each a mile long would be required! Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to use in cooking the food. This would take 4,000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains each a mile long, just for one day. And just think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars 1,800 miles long, just to bring water! And then another thing. They had to get across the Red Sea at night. (they did?) Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So, there had to be a space in the Red Sea, 3 miles wide so that they could walk 5,000 abreast to get over in one night. But then another problem. Each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles long, think of it! This space just for nightly camping. Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left Egypt? I think not! You see, Moses believed in God. God took care of these things for him. Now, do you think God has any problems taking care of all your needs??? *************************************************************************** The Bible Salesman A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out. After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?" "W-w-w-w-w-well, I g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door a-a-and I-I--I s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-copy of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-to you?" *************************************************************************** 1-4-me, 1-4-U One For You, One For Me On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Get Her to the Church On Time A little girl dressed in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed: "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray: "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! But don't shove me either!" <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> The True State of the Union! America the beautiful, Or so you used to be. Land of the Pilgrim's pride -- I hope they never see. Babies piled in dumpsters, Abortion on demand. Sweet land of liberty, Your house is on the sand. People wander aimlessly, Poisoned by cocaine. Choosing to indulge, When God said to abstain. From sea to shining sea, Our country turns away, From the teaching of God's word, And the need to always pray. Phony TV pastors Tell lies about our Rock, Saying God is going broke, So they can fleece the flock. We've voted in a government, That's rotting to the core. Appointing Godless judges, Who've thrown reason out the door. Too soft to place the killer, In his well deserved tomb. But brave enough to kill the child, Before he leaves the womb. You think God is not angry, That our land's a moral slum? How much evil will He watch, Before His Kingdom comes? How are we to face our God, From whom we cannot hide? What is left for us to do, To stem this evil tide? If we who are called, Would humbly turn and pray. If we would seek His holy face, And leave our evil way. Then God would hear from heaven, And forgive us of our sin. He'd heal our sickly land, And those who live within. But America the beautiful, If you don't then you will see. A sad but holy God, Withdraw His hand from thee. Author known only to God. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Clergy at Churchhill A priest wanted to raise money for his church. Seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey. The priest figured that since he had the donkey anyway, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. Much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the daily racing form carried the headline: "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS". The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again the following day. This time the donkey won! The next day the racing daily read: "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT". The bishop was so upset with all this publicity that he told the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The daily headline that day read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS". This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal at once. The priest decided to give the donkey to the nearby convent. The headlines that afternoon read: "NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN". The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns that they would have to dispose of the donkey immediately. They found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the paper headlines stated: "NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS". They buried the bishop that afternoon. On the day after the funeral the headlines read: "TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH". <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> HOLY BLOOPERS! The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. 1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 10. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of The Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet the pastor in his study. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to help defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell"? Come early and listen to our choir practice. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Holy Humor These are answers given by students from North Carolina to test questions on the Bible. 1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness,in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. 2. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire at night. 4. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. 5. Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients. 6. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. 7. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery." 8. Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. 9. David fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 10. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 11. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 12. The people who followed Jesus were called the Twelve Decibels. 13. The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles. 14. One of the opossums was Matthew. 15. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Just some thoughts 1. To the world you might be one person, but to one person, you might be the world. 2. Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. 3. Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job. 4. A "coincidence" is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous. 5. Sometimes "the majority" only means that all the fools are on the same side. 6. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. 7. Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip! 8. People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross. 9. Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it. 10. Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God? 11. Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 12. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. 13. There are two things I've learned: There is a God! I am not Him! 14. Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. 15. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace. 16. When it comes time to die...make sure all you've got to do is die. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> The OLD Lady's Reward... One Sunday pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000.00 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, him, and him." <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> The Priest In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was, and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later, the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle." <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Ten Commandments A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and they mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shalt not kill." <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Children's letters to God Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? * Amy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. * Larry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. * Mickey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. * Nan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? * Jane ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me. * Love, Alison ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? * Lucy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? * Anita ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? * Norma ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? * Jan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? * Neil ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. * Jane ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. * Darla ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. * Joyce ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be a day of rest. * Tom L. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before You can look it up. * Bruce ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. * Denise ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. * Raphael ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. * Danny ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. * Tom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. * Dean ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. * Ruth M. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. * Elliott ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I think Noah and David the best. * Rob ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he? * Marsha ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. *Love, Chris ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. *Sincerely, Donna ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. * Eddie ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. * Charles ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. * Eugene <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Observant Kids ~~~ Do Not Dusturb! ~~~ A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!" ~~~ Keep Praying! ~~~ The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his mesages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Finding The Lord A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Moving Service ~~~ And to the earth you return... ~~~ A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because sadly, the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but lost his way on the long back roads. After backtracking many miles, he finally arrived, a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a near-by tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, one of the workmen paused between bites and said, "Maybe we should have told him that's a septic tank." <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> *<> Favorite Hymns! The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns The Weatherman's Hymn: There shall be showers of Blessing The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn: There is A Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I might See The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn: Send the Light The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you: 45 mph -- God Will Take Care of You 55 mph -- Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah 65 mph -- Nearer My God to Thee 75 mph -- Nearer Still Nearer 85 mph -- This World Is Not My Home 95 mph -- Lord, I'm Coming Home and over 100 mph -- Precious Memories <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> What If God Had Voice Mail We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this: Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following options: Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS Press 2 for THANKSGIVING Press 3 for COMPLAINTS Press 4 for HEALING Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS Press 6 for RAIN or NO RAIN Press 7 for MIRACLES Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI" Press 0 to hear this menu again What if God used the familiar excuse: "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millennium." Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in prayer: If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11. For Michael, press 22. For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33. If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 55, then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 62. Enter his or her social security number, then press the pound (#) key, enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here. Answers can only be understood from a heavenly perspective." To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful; your receiver may become warm. Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 A.M., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time). To order any religious material, enter catalog number, quantity, and a major credit card number plus expiration date. For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE. Thankfully, God doesn't need voice mail, whenever we need him, he will always be there for us.. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Recall Notice -- Important! The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed, 'Subsequential Internal Non-Morality,' or more commonly known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized. Some other symptoms: [a] Loss of direction [b] Foul vocal emissions [c] Amnesia of origin [d] Lack of peace and joy [e] Selfish, or violent, behavior [f] Depression or confusion in the mental component [g] Fearful [h] Idolatry The manufacturer, who is neither liable or at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The number to call for the recall station in your area is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden on SIN by R-E-P-E-N-T-A-N-C-E. Next, download J-E-S-U-S into the heart. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, the JESUS repair will replace it with: [a] Love [b] Joy [c] Peace [d] Long-suffering [e] Gentleness [f] Goodness [g} Faith [h] Meekness [i] Temperance Please see operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. WARNING: Continuing to operate the human unit without correction, voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing owner to dangers and; problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on: J-E-S-U-S. DANGER: The human units not receiving this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect must not enter heaven. Author: The Creator. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Two On Twain On one occasion a great friend, the Rev. Joseph Twitchll, sauntered over to Mark Twain's house and said, "Mark, come and take a walk with me." "Oh, no, Joe: I haven't time," said the great humorist. "Well, now," was the reply, "you come to hear me preach every Sunday, and you say you believe what I read out of the Bible is true. Now, if I could prove to you, from the Bible, that you ought to go walk with me, would you go?" "Yes, of course," said Mr. Twain; "but it isn't there." "Yes it is," said the minister; "for the Bible says, 'And whoso ever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him, twain.'" And Mark went. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> BIBLICAL PUNS Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A: Ruthless Q: What do they call pastors in Germany? A: German Shepherds. Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A: Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A: Pharaoh's daughter: She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A: Nebuchanezzar: He was on "Grass" for seven years. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda ... because it is said that the apostles were all in one Accord. Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A: Samson: He brought the house down. Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A: Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once. Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A: The area around Jordan: The banks were always overflowing. Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible? A: David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Three Boys Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money! <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> The Burial While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn . .....and into the hole he gooooes. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically they all died and went to the pearly gates together. St. Peter was surprised to see them. "Oh, dear! We weren't expecting you and your quarters aren't ready yet. We can't take you in and we can't send you back!" Getting an idea, he picked up the celestial phone and called Lucifer. "I have three gentlemen who are ours, but their places aren't ready yet. Could you put them up for a couple of days? I'll owe you one." The Devil reluctantly agreed. Two days later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. You have to come get these three guys that are yours. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!" <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> How many church people does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air. Roman Catholics: None. They use candles. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also provide a casserole. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Methodists: 10 One to change the bulb. Nine to attack the preacher, because someone's grandmother gave that bulb to the church!! <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Biblical Bumper Stickers Adam: "You are what you eat." Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother." Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. " Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water." Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land." Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Balaam: "My second donkey talks!" At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years" At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Sunday Morning One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing, staring up at the large plaque hanging in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time. The pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning pastor," replied Johnny, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the members of the church who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 service or the 10:30 service?" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Abraham, Isaac, and Windows 98 Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 98 on your old, slow PC. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast PentiumII with a minimum of 32 megs of memory in order to run Windows 98.' But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« I'm Tired One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried!" Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?" "Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them!" »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« The Burglar This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote Scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!" The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?" The woman replied, "I quoted Scripture." The cop turned to the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?" The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« THE PREACHER'S DONKEY A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!" The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN." The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Phone Call From Almighty God On a Saturday night this pastor of a church called Almighty God Tabernacle. was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rang at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office. (which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night) The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story." You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God, if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God.' I was afraid to answer." - Author Unknown - »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Most people assume WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." (Plymouth Fury) But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to, "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." - Psalm 83:15 (Pontiac Tempest and Geo Storm) Perhaps, God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." - Exodus 19:13 (Dodge Ram) Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's Gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." - John 12:49 (Honda Accord) Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." (Triumph motorcycle) Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." (Triumph Sportster) And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda "The Apostles were in one Accord." !!!! - Acts 5:12 (Honda Accord) Maybe He drove a Jeep: "But take care that this Liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak." 1 Corint 8:9 (Jeep Liberty) Then again, "the head of John the Baptist was brought to King Herod in a CHARGER." - Mark 6:25 (Dodge Charger) Another "Dodge" driver is spoken of in Holy Scripture: For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, He hath a demon. - Mat 11:18 (Dodge Demon) Research has uncovered that in the Old Covenant, the Israelites were ORDERED to feast with their automobiles. And thou shalt keep the feast of weeks unto the LORD thy God with a tribute - Deu 16:10 (Mazda Tribute) However, "Obviously, God drives a Plymouth, because, "Hell hath no Fury. . ."" (Plymouth Fury) »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« I Am Thankful For The Wife Who Says It's Hot Dogs Tonight, Because She Is Home With Me, And Not Out With Someone Else. For The Husband Who Is On The Sofa Being A Couch Potato, Because He Is Home With Me And Not Out At The Bars. For The Teenager Who Is Complaining About Doing Dishes Because That Means She Is At Home, Not On The Streets. For The Taxes That I Pay Because It Means That I Am Employed. For The Mess To Clean After A Party Because It Means That I Have Been Surrounded By Friends. For The Clothes That Fit A Little Too Snug Because It Means I Have Enough To Eat. For My Shadow That Watches Me Work Because It Means I Am Out In The Sunshine. For A Lawn That Needs Mowing, Windows That Need Cleaning, And Gutters That Need Fixing Because It Means I Have A Home. For All The Complaining I Hear About The Government Because It Means That We Have Freedom Of Speech. For The Parking Spot I Find At The Far End Of The Parking Lot Because It Means I Am Capable Of Walking And That I Have Been Blessed With Transportation. For My Huge Heating Bill Because It Means I Am Warm. For The Lady Behind Me In Church That Sings Off Key Because It Means That I Can Hear. For The Pile Of Laundry And Ironing Because It Means I Have Clothes To Wear For Weariness And Aching Muscles At The End Of The Day Because It Means I Have Been Capable Of Working Hard. For The Alarm That Goes Off In The Early Morning Hours Because It Means That I Am Alive. And Finally... For Too Much E-Mail Because It Means I Have Friends Who Are Thinking Of Me. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Church Song Possibilities by Profession: Golfers: There Is a Green Hill Far Away Gossips: Pass It On Dentists: Crown Him with Many Crowns Meteorologists: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Building contractors: The Church's One Foundation Tailors: Holy, Holy, Holy Politicians: Standing On the Promises IRS auditors: I Surrender All _______________________________________ Secular Song Possibilities for Biblical characters: Noah: Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head Adam and Eve: Strangers in Paradise Lazarus: The Second Time Around Esther: I Feel Pretty Job: I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues Moses: The Wanderer Jezebel: The Lady is a Tramp Samson: Hair Salome: I Could Have Danced All Night Daniel: The Lion Sleeps Tonight Joshua: Good Vibrations Peter: I'm Sorry Esau: Born To Be Wild Jeremiah: Take This Job and Shove It Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: Great Balls of Fire The Three Kings: When You Wish Upon a Star Jonah: Got a Whale of a Tale Elijah: Up, Up, and Away Methuselah: Stayin' Alive Nebuchadnezzar: Crazy »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic: Only one - Hands already in the air. Pentecostal: Ten - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken. Episcopalians: Three - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was. Mormons: Five - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. Nazarene: Six - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What's a light bulb? »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Modern Day Noah? In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in His yard... but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting Local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« On Fire! During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!" The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed. The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?" The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil. The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass. The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!" The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out. The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Heavenly Father, we come before you to ask your forgiveness. We seek your direction and your guidance. We know your word says, "Woe to those who call evil good." But that's what we've done. We've lost our spiritual equilibrium. We have inverted our values. We have ridiculed the absolute truth of your word in the name of moral pluralism. We have worshiped other gods and called it multiculturalism. We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle. We've exploited the poor and called it a lottery. We've neglected the needy and called it self-preservation. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. In the name of choice, we have killed our unborn. In the name of right to life, we have killed abortionists. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self- esteem. We have abused power and called it political savvy. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it taxes. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, oh, God, and know our hearts today. Try us. Show us any wickedness within us. Cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of the State of Kansas, and that they have been ordained by you to govern this great state. Grant them your wisdom to rule. May their decisions direct us to the center of your will. And, as we continue our prayer and as we come in out of the fog, give us clear minds to accomplish our goals as we begin this Legislature. For we pray in Jesus' name, Amen. Rev. Joe Wright Senior pastor of Central Christian Church in Wichita, KS Opening prayer at a session of the Kansas House of Representatives January of 1996. Prayer adapted from one written in 1995 by Bob Russell who offered it at the Kentucky Governor’s Prayer Breakfast in Frankfort, Kentucky. »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?' Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.' The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head, lifts his eyes and head to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?' Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday.' »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Cowboy Poetry Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence. The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense. As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go, The temperature had fallen, the wind and snow began to blow. When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart. From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start. So Jake did what most of us would do if we had been there. He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer. As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck. They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck. Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roaming. But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it looked just like Wyoming! Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter. (Now, this line ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter) So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three. Nobody was keeping' score- in Heaven time is free. 'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete, 'that God will answer prayer, But one time I asked for help, well, he just plain wasn't there.' 'Does God answer prayers of some, and ignore the prayers of others? That don't seem exactly square- I know all men are brothers.' 'Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason? Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.' 'Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel. And I was wondering', could you tell me- what the heck's the deal?!' Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done, There were smiles of recognition, and he said, 'So, you're the one!' 'That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayer a flying, You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us trying.' 'A thousand angels rushed, to check the status of your file, But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a long while.' 'And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota, He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in Minnesota.' BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥« Passed Note A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." »¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«»¤§¥«