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Real-World-Solutions!
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The following
are a highlight of the
many web sites and Internet Email's poking fun at Bin Laden and
terrorism in general. |
- AFLAC
(Macromedia Flash)
Have you seen the "AFLAC" commercial with the little duck
trying to sell more
insurance?
- Pakistan TV
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "3rd Rock From the Sand"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest
Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "Who Wants to be a Koran Perverter"
8:30 - "When the Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
and Veils"
9:30 - "Sand Trek"
10:00 - "Moammar & Mindy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
9:00 - "Survivor...I hope"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
SATURDAYS:
8:00 - "Let's Mecca Deal"
8:30 - "Taliban Squares"
9:00 - "This Old Tent"
9:30 - "No Sex in the City"
10:00 - "Mullah's Place"
SUNDAYS:
8:00 - "Who's Goat Is it Anyway?"
8:30 - "The Bedouin Bunch"
9:00 - "My Three Huns"
9:30 - "The Sultan of Queens" 10:00 - "I Dream of
Jiha
- Recruits of the Future - Unite!!!!!
WE'LL FIGHT TO THE LAST 50-YEAR-OLD!
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today
and help my country
track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent
people in New York
City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now and the Armed Forces says
I'm too old to track
down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the Army.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-
olds off to the fight,
they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until
you're at least
35-years-old. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10-seconds. Old
guys think about sex
every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per
day to concentrate on
the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and
grumpy. A cranky and
grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy
we'll complain them into
submission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm
hungry!" "Where's
the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you
shouldn't go to war until
you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. An average old
guy, on the other hand,
has probably consumed at least 126,000 gallons of beer by the time
he's 35, and a jaunt
through the desert heat with a backpack on and an M-60 over your
shoulder would do wonders
for a beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up
early just to show we
can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If old guys got captured
we couldn't spill the
beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name,
rank and serial
number would be a real brain teaser. If it wasn't for the age
barrier, I'd pretty much be
able to get into the Army without a hitch. According to the Army
Internet site, I'd need
to pass an entrance exam [officially called an ASVAB], but the
simple questions I saw
weren't exactly headachematerial. For example:
A magnet will attract:
(a) water
(b) a flower
(c) a cloth rag
(d) a nail
I took a wild stab at it and guessed, "nail," knowing
they'd probably stick me
in some desk job with Army Intelligence after Boot Camp.
If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are
needed to run 20
machines?
(a) 16
(b) 18
(c) 3
(d) 60
Well, let's see now.....three workers per machine times 20
machines....err....60?
Finally, they wanted to know if I had command of the English
language, just in case I had
to describe an enemy camp from memory.
Now you know where the first questions come from for the "Who
Wants To Be A
Millionaire" game show. Boot Camp would actually be easier for
old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like
soft food. We've also
developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them
almost better than naps.
The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been
to the desert and
didn't see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side.
I can hear the Drill
Sergeant now. "Get down and give me.....er.....one!" And
the running part seems
to be a hell of a waste of good energy. I've never seen anyone
outrun a bullet. I'm
reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on
a hill looking down
at the cows. "Let's run down there and make love to one of
those cows," says the
young bull. "How about we WALK down there and! make love to ALL
those cows,"
replies the old bull.
Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good
reason too. An
18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave. To actually
carry on a conversation. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food
particles. And that a
200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an
eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more
about life before
sending them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who
attacked our country
three weeks ago today.
The last thing they'd want to see right now would be a couple of
million old guys with
attitudes!
- Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees.
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter.
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut.
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole.
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear.
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam.
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.
Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man.
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.
They are our fathers and they are our sons.
And they sure do carry some mighty big guns.
They would have stayed home with children and wives.
'Til you bastards came here and took all these lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for you.
For airmail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle.
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.
I will not be sorry to see your ass go.
It's the Red, White, and Blue that is running this show.
- Letter to the DENTON RECORD CHRONICLE from
Dwight Crawford Sr. of Sanger, Texas:
TERRORISM-WHAT IS THAT?
I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban,
politicians, and the
news media. They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming
weeks and months. What a
joke! You have a better chance of getting killed on Interstate 35
than by a terrorist.
Osama has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but
he doesn't have fire
ants to go with it. If he did he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground
in his cave. He talks
of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know
what pain is until he
gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.
Germ warfare? Texas
ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lime disease,
blister beetles kill
your horses, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat your
house. Anthrax has
killed Texas cattle for over 125 years. What's new? Our prairie dogs
carry the plague,
armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats and skunks carry rabies. We
have rattlesnakes,
copperheads, and water moccasins. Ho hum. They talk of gas and
biological warfare. They
have never pulled in behind a cattle truck while its raining, or
ridden in the front seat
of a pick-up between two cowboys after they just eaten a big bowl of
Texas Red. Texas
ain't for sissies! We have posted signs all over the state that say
"Don't mess with
Texas!" Osama, consider yourself warned!
Published October 28, 2001
- A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they
hear a voice call
from behind a sand-dune.
"One Marine is better than ten taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
dune whereupon a
gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Marine is better than one hundred
taliban".
Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over
the dune and instantly
a huge gun fight commences.
After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again "One Marine is better than one
thousand taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and
sends them across the
dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle
is fought. Then
silence. Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the
dune and with his
dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its
a trap. There's
actually two of them."
- Osama's prayer
Twas the night before Ramadan
As Osama, the louse
Was plotting with Omar;
His soon-to-be spouse.
The Taliban were nestled,
All snug in their caves
And they dreamt of young virgins
Who would soon be their slaves.
Out in the desert,
There arose such a clatter
They crept from their caves
To see what was the matter.
Not far in the distance
There came a strange sound.
Lo and behold;
They saw a mushroom-shaped cloud.
Before Osama evaporated
He knew it was true:
His ass had been kicked
By the Red, White, and Blue
- Marine bumper sticker
It's GODs responsibility to forgive Bin Ladin
its our responsibility to arrange the meeting!
United States Marines
- WE WIN
Dear Taliban, Mr. bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr Hussein, et al:
We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your
challenge to an old fashioned
game of Whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no
rules, we look
forward to playing without them for the first time.
Since this game is winner- take-all, we unfortunately will be unable
to invite you to join
us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast
you -- LITERALLY.
While we will admit that you are off to an impresive lead, it is,
however, now our turn at
the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now...
Batter up!
Our team line up is as follows:
C0-Owners: The FATHER, SON, and HOLY GHOST
Manager - George W. Bush Asst. Manager - Dick Cheney Head Coach -
Colin Powell Asst' Coach
- Donald Rumsfeld Starting Pitcher - Norman Schwartzkoff
1st Base - U.S. Marine Corps
2nd Base - U.S. Navy
3rd Base - U.S. Air Force Shortstop and Clean up hitter - U.S. Army
Outfield - Firemen and
Policemen Umpire - None required (remember - the manager told you
there'll be no
discussion; no negotiation; and you didn't want rules, anyway!)
Pinch hitters as needed - U.S. Navy Seals, U.S. Army Green Berets,
U.S. Army Rangers, U.S.
Air Force PJs, and Delta Force.
And, since there are no rules, we've decided to add:
4th Base - United Kingdom
5th Base - Russia
6th Base - China Other Bases (as desired) - Pakistan, Japan,
Germany. France, Spain,
Italy, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Eqypt, Turkistan and lots of
other....Stans, and more.
Opening ceremonies: Vocal 1: Celine Dion - The Star Spangled Banner
Vocal 2 : Lee
Greenwood - God Bless The U.S.A Vocal 3: Bruce Springsteen - Born In
The U.S.A. Vocal 4:
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Battle Hymn of the Republic
You may choose whoever you want for your team... it won't really
matter (even if you all
shave), our guys are gonna win!
Sincerely,
On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of
America
p.s. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah;
because your butt is
OURS!!!!! Goodbye literally.
- Twas the Night Before Ramadan
by: Mullah Mohammed Omar
'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave
Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave.
The turbans were hung by the firepit with care,
In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there.
The soldiers were restless without any beds,
While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads.
Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap,
Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter's nap,
When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter.
Away from the racket I ran like a girl,
Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl.
The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow
And lit up the valley with an ominous glow,
When, what to my one good eye should appear,
But a dozen Apaches, and tanks in the rear,
And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push,
I knew in an instant it must be George Bush.
More rapid than eagles his forces they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names;
"Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul!
We come for you now; we've taken Kabul!
To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves!
When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!"
As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky,
So up to the ledge his forces they flew
With full magazines, and flame-throwers too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a thud
The explosions of Tomahawks; not one was a dud.
As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around,
Osama was there, disguised in a gown.
He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes,
And he said he would flee while I held off his foes;
A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack,
He said "I'm going to Baghdad and I'm not looking back!"
His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear;
The American bombs, they rang in his ears.
He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled,
But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head.
I watched with cold fear as his body did slump;
The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump.
And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed,
About to suffer a fate I could not avoid;
I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help,
His voice boomed in my ears, "You ignorant whelp!
I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran,
But you were too arrogant to understand,
I told you to honor your neighbors and wives;
Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives!
You invoke My name to sanction your deeds,
But you are the last thing that this world needs.
And so, I'll send you and bin Laden to Hell."
The last words I heard, as the bombs fell,
Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall,
"One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!"
- Post 9/11 Advertising Campaigns
11. In Trojans We Thrust!
10. Keep America rolling - ZigZag.
09. If you change the channel then the terrorists have already won. So
keep your eye on CBS.
08. At least we're safer than Afghanistan - Detroit Chamber of Commerce.
07. Reach out and touch someone without the dangers of flying! - AT & T
06. Come back and discover that we're Indian not Arab - 7-11
05. Not all white powder is bad - Sugar Farmers of America
04. Osama got you down? Try Prozac.
03. Kill yourself before the terrorists do - Phillip Morris.
02. God Bless America, Buy Kleenex!
01. Flying it's still safer than driving, hunting, smoking, unprotected
intercourse! - American Airlines.
- The Talibanana Song
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Public enemy number one
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Big mistake, we gotta lotta gun
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Come, Afghan Taliban, gather up bin Laden
Or daylight come, we gonna bomb your home
Come, Afghan Taliban, gather up bin Laden
Or daylight come, we gonna bomb your home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come, we gonna bomb your home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come, we gonna bomb your home
Grow six inch, seven inch, eight inch beard
Daylight come and we bomb your home
Grow six inch, seven inch, eight inch beard
Daylight come and we bomb your home
You say you do it cause it in Koran-a
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Destroy the symbols of Americana
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Crash the plane and here come Nirvana
Daylight come and you bomb our home
End up in hell because you are insana
Daylight come and we bomb your home
Drop six foot, seven foot, eight foot bomb
Daylight come and you have no home
Drop six foot, seven foot, eight foot bomb
Daylight come and you have no home
Day, it sad day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and you bomb our home
Day, me sad day, me sad day, me sad day,
Daylight come and we bomb your home.
- Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.
Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close,to his final Breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.
They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for You,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.
I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show
- Understanding Muslim terrorists
I understand why radical Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Just look at their lifestyle:
* No premarital sex.
* No booze. None. Never.
* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.
* No Spice channel. No Playboy channel.
* No ESPN.
* No Hooters!!.
* No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
* No organized sports of any kind. That's right-NO sports!!!.
* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs. No
Victoria's Secret Stuff.
* Very, very, very few cars. Camels, Lots of camels, stinking, filthy
camels.
* Sand, *&^%** sand everywhere!
* More sand.
* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.
* Sandstorms. More **$#@ sand everywhere!
* Rags for clothes and hats.
* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips
* Eating with your right hand only-because you wipe yourself with your
left hand. Toilet tissue unknown.
* Constant wailing from next door ...no, wait, that's music!
And when you die it's supposed to all get better....No wonder they bloody
volunteer......
- Misunderstanding
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly
gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the
nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the
face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans'
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal
government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on
Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James
Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and
America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up
to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams
"this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What did you think I said?"
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